Keep up with my Crazy :-)

Wednesday, March 1, 2017


My chest is heavy and my heart is broken
it hurts to breath and crying wont help

My children are my life and I miss them dearly
Knowing it's not forever doesnt help the gaping hole 
where my heart should be

Why can't you hold and comfot me 
I don't need words just your nearness and a shoulder to cry on
hold me close and tell me you love me
Hold me tight and let me know you miss them too. 

I am broken inside
I am lost inside
I dont have enough tears for the aching in my soul

I miss the early wake up 
and the Mommy I'm hungry
Can I have a drink and a kiss too? 

First hair cut 
first day of school, daycare
What else will I miss
Watching the little pieces of my heart grow up

I am going to miss you coming home
I wont be the one you excitedly tell about your day
I ache for the little moments I am missing

I love you my children and I pray for the day you return to me. 


Friday, February 10, 2017

I am overwhelmed.

As a mother of three and a wife, I am over whelmed. I am exhausted. I am stressed out so much I just want to cry. I know I am a wife to my husband, I am a mother to my children.... Who or what am I to myself? 

Just the month of Feb. has all ready been hell. 

  • week 1 DD birthday  and a doc apt for Mom
  • week 2 court for animal control and a doc apt for Dad
  • week 3 court for codes
  • weeks 1-4 waiting on taxes so I can move.
I am the only one who plans how our family money is spent. I am the only one who makes sure the bills are handled. I am stressed that I wont be able to find a place for my family before march is over. 

I wish I had a friend to talk to... I miss having a best friend I can tell every thing to. I miss having someone to visit with and share my life with. 

Things I have had to say to my kids in the last month....

  • Don't touch your brother's penis
  • Don't put pop tart in your butt
  • Don't put your penis in that it might get stuck!
  • Stop pulling all the diapers out of the box
  • We are not having pop tarts for lunch

My house....

  • Has no hot water
  • need windows replaced
  • has structural rot so the windows cant be fixed
  • no heat
  • had to get rid of my dog

I miss having a job and the extra income to help my family with the bills and play money. I feel lost. Is there an elephant I can't see sitting on my chest? Is this why I can't breath? Can any one tell me why I have an anxiety attack every time my door bell rings or someone knocks?

I don't know what to do. God must know I am stronger than I feel because I am drowning... I haven't had a shower in over a week, my house is wrecked, we have JUST ENOUGH food to last us until the next pay day. 

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Beautiful....or Not.....

I have always struggles with my self esteem. I was always told I would be big as a house, I'm not pretty enough for so and so. 8 days out of 10 I love my life and who I am.

How do you tell the one person you choose to love most in the world that they are slowly killing what is left of your self esteem?

That when you open up your heart and deepest insecurities it seems like they are not important. What I feel and need from him isn't important. Why can't you be bothered to remember the little things about me? Why is it that when you go to the store you can pick up a little something you think I might like or know that I like?

I don't ever ask for much I just want to feel like I am important to you. I want to feel like my likes and dislikes are something you just have to know.

It truly sucks when you tell your husband that you want to be called beautiful, or pretty or just want him to make you feel wanted and beautiful..... and after months of silence from him he finally called someone beautiful.... Too bad it wasn't you...
Makes my insecurities even worse, and I hate myself for being a fat cow, and an unattractive lard ass.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Past wishes..

I got my GED. But I still wish I could have graduated with my class.
I wish I could have gone to my school reunion... It is the only regret I have. 
Honestly I just want to cry right now thinking about it.
I didn't get to walk the graduation walk.
I didn't have friends around me to expierence my pregnancies.
It may seem selfish but I never had a baby shower, or any type of party to celebrate the life of my children.
I didn't do a wedding.
We didn't have a reception.
I will make sure my daughter has these things in her life.
Pity party for one.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

How I found my house.

So to Start my Mom was living in Sparta Tn doing fine. My mother's sister (I dislike this bitch) called her and stated that she couldn't handle my cousin any more. My mom agreed to let him move in with her, because she didn't want him to be homeless. (He is "slow", 28 yo with the mind of a 12 yo).

Mom tells her landlord he flips shit and kicked her out because of my cousin's criminal history. She then puts all her stuff to storage and moves in with her sister the bitch in FL all the while searching for a place to live in TN for her and my cousin. He has not had a very good life and my mom wants to help change that for him.
Well in her search for a place to live she just so happens to find a house in MY CITY for $3,000 down! Well she calls about house and can't get it due to Cousin's history. Soooooooo. She calls me fills me in on the place and gives me the address and number...
Now for those of you who have not read my past posts... DH gets a certain allotment of money from his Trust every month. (Grandpa died left DH monies) We called Trust and bumped up Sep.'s payment to 8/16 today and BAM BAM BAM BAM I have a house!
Well I will after I make the down payment later on today! Rent To Own
Cool house facts...
1. 2.2 miles from current Doritos bag sized duplex
2. Close to poke stops!
3. Affordable Both front and back yards fenced in! 
4. it was built in 1918 and will be my project house for the next 90+ years cause you know I'm never gonna die lol!
DH and I are already planning how to set up the place and the renovations we plan on making over the next few years!
In all honesty I am just happy to have a place big enough for all of my kids to have rooms in when they get older.

Monday, August 15, 2016

A New Beginning...

So Hey there internet world. I am so excited to share the possibilities of a new and better life with my DH (Dear Husband)! 

Things in our lives are finally looking up! What do I mean by finally looking up? 

1. Bills are paid on time all the time
2. New Car! No seriously, this car had 13 miles on it when we drove it off the lot! 
3. The SERIOUS possibility of owning our own home. Like in the next few days beginning our Rent to Own status! 
4. 5 bedrooms, fenced in front and back yards!
5. Adoption Started with my DD for DH to be her Dad Legally 

More to come but my kids are hungry and need the foods! 

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Youngest Dear Son Born April 7 2015

It has been a year and four months and my YDS is growing so fast, his Birth was by far the most amazing experience ever.

I got to the hospital and they set me up for my fluids because go figure I was dehydrated again. I get my fluids and its time for the epi. It took us an hour to get the epidural in the proper place but, once we did I was golden!

My sweet child was born and I didn't have any trauma like experiences with his birth like I did with my older two.  It was a one two push and here he was. I got to hold him right away and put him straight on the boob where he ate for a good 5 minutes before falling asleep in my arms.

My support system this time around was amazing, I had my mom and my husband there for me. I will admit that I was having mini panic attacks as the push time came closer because of my previous births. YDS' birth was by far easier as I didn't have people touching me unless I asked or it was a doctor (I hate being touched). After birth I got to just chill and hold my little monkey boy while he slept on me.

We finally moved into the recovery room after I could walk to go pee. Once in the recovery room my mom went and retrieved my two other kids and they got to meet YDS.

We stayed in the hospital for 3 days and before we left the hospital gave my DH and I a celebratory lunch. it was so sweet and special, they set every thing up in my RR and then did all the clean up!

I am so happy with the birth experience that I would do it again if DH would let me.