Keep up with my Crazy :-)

Tuesday, May 5, 2015


How ... How do I tell them I am lonely ?  I don't Feel needed. I Just Want his attention. I want to feel Loved by him. I want to feel important to him.
I don't feel like he cares about me... I just want to hear him say I love you without my saying it first all the time.

It hurts when I try to talk or hang out with him and he ignores me. I tried 3 times today and when he finally came to bed I thought cool maybe now... but no he went straight to bed.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Loving my Job! Loving my family . Loving my Life !!

SO Lets start with the nitty shitty... and Life update starting with...

March 2014~ 

Lets start with DS didn't have any ins for his 2 mo check up because the lady who filed our paperwork screwed up his social. 
DH and I have had a rough go at life for the last three months... 
The pipes busted in our trailer... had to stay with my awesome aunt... moved back home after a week. 
They cut our Food Stamps down to just about nothing... Which really hurt our food supply since that is what we were surviving off of... 

we got our taxes. Paid off our bed, bought a deep freezer, picked out a stove, and loaned my parents some $$ so they could move... 

We moved from one trailer to another... I put in over 60 + applications had 6 interviews and only 1 call back. 
I got a full time job doing data entry. Thought things were going to start looking up and BAM!! every one of our bills were due and we have 0$ to pay any of them...

Our lights are getting turned off Monday the 17... and it is going to take 700$ to get them turned back on... 
Its going to take about 3 full paychecks to pull that off considering I still need to dish out money for gas and food.  I am overwhelmed and stressed out. 

I actually spent 200$ on meats with the fs money we got in Feb, I was making it stretch as much as possible... we really needed the deep freezer to store all the meat and bread that was over flowing from my regular freezer. (they cut my fs from apx:370 to apx:100 which I was not expecting considering I did not have a job at the time.) If I didn't need the deep freezer so badly I would sell it.

We loaned my parents the money to move to help out my brother. (recently released from jail) As soon as they get their taxes back they my parents are paying us back every penny. *(We discussed it for two full weeks before we decided to loan it to them.) (I'll do any thing for my brothers, we always help each other out when we can.)

I have already made all the calls about help that I can... I was told that "We're all broke, we could get you maybe 50$." "Maybe". Our electric company will NOT work with me in any way even if I payed 100$ a week they would still shut off my electric. I've been through this only once before... When I lived with my mom... They will still shut off my electric. 

It is actually cheaper for DH to work his PT weekend job, and me the full time weekday job because child care for our hours is crazy. So this way he gets to stay home with the kids during the week and I get them on the weekends..(at least until they switch my schedule and we have to figure out the new system.)

As for hitting up the food banks and churches I bought the deep freezer to actually keep from having to do that. *(Not that I wouldn't do it if I had to to support my family.)* I was just so pleased to be able to provide for my family with out the assistance. I was looking forward to closing out my FS account, and providing for my family off of my paycheck and then WHAM... Just when every thing was starting to look up and get better this just knocked me on my ass.  

I hope I was able to answer your questions. Sorry for any misspellings it's 2 am and I am just getting up to shower and get dressed for work. 

Mom and Dad finally got their taxes back! We got MOST of what we are owed... I paid up the bills and bought MORE food! We are officially ahead on rent, the stove, the lights! Phone bill is paid and car ins. came out 4/10/2014.
All is going great even though my dear sweet daughter swallowed the metal clasp from the ceiling fan pull cord. had to go to the hospital and have it surgically removed from her esophagus (sp).  She is fine and running around like nothing happened... (NO KNIFE YAY!!) I am just so damn excited to be ahead! In all my life I have never been in a place where all my bills are paid up and on time. It feel so so so good.

Had not thought of it but we are so far ahead that I can save $$ every week towards an emergency fund... or vacation.! lol

Can I just say I LOVE my job. This job is one where I can see myself working long term.
The environment is very relaxed and even if I am working extra hours I don't feel overwhelmed or stressed out about it.
My only concern is DH and his being a SAHD. He is amazing with the kids but is still very new to the roll. I dont have any doubt our children will be taken care of just that he will get overwhelmed and stressed out. :-/
Heard a rumor on the grape vine that our landlords might be selling the property we live on.  Not sure how to take this exactly except that we are packing and saving to move any ways.

So we have not done any saving just yet. BUT we finally have a few wants/needs that will make life comfortable. and with me working a few doubles here and there we are still going to be ahead.
So on to some unpleasant news. I was looking through DH's fb (which he knows I do frequently) and came upon a message where he called me LAZY!. I was so pissed because.....

I started this job 3 days after we moved and was working full time first shift after not working at all for 7-8 months. I was so exhausted! went from working 1st to working 3rds with NO SLEEP.  He was upset because I wasn't helping around the house much... Now I am on second and finally getting into a regular schedule and routine.
And he had the nerve to call me lazy... He has since apologized... But still I'm hurt and my feel bads hurt too... (me whining)

EASTER- with the Inlaws
Got up early went to church with MIL, she made baskets for the kids (ok by me I didn't do it.)  Went to GPIL house to celebrate April birthdays and Easter dinner.

MIL picked up DS and the whole time we were there MIL never put him down. It took me a minute to realise that she didn't even come outside to watch DD hunt for her first eggs. (seriously her very first egg hunt ever and MIL missed it). I didn't say any thing at the time. I should have.
I don't think we will be spending SO much time during the holidays with the inlaws. I don't know if reading so much here has made me biased... (sp)  Or if my MIL really is playing favorites...
Well back to work will type up more later when I have a chance... Sorry this is all over the place tonight.. My brain is muddled.

So some random Llama food. Nothing too filling tho...
My FMIL and I have had the most interesting conversations lately.  I currently work with someone whome she recently worked with... lol I was sort of complaining about my coworker to my MIL and she stopped me to ask my coworkers name... I told her and she literally said WAIT you WORK with "sully"... Apparently my MIL worked with my coworker and stated that my coworker is CRAZY. I can so see where my MIL is right. I have never met someone with such a massive ego!

Feeling the love all around. :-) DF and I are shipping the kids to my aunts house for fir night and most of sat so we can clean Sat. :-) And maybe some extra fun adult activity... lol

My world is falling apart... DF isn't sure he wants to get married. I don't know how to handle the emotions I am feeling.

He is blaming it on his parents being divorced twice.

 DH's dad sent him this e-mail... DH wants your advice ladies and gents... 

From: FIL
Date: February 13, 2014 at 3:31:12 PM CST
To: DH
Subject: Alive?

I'm not sure how our problem started, but both of us need to try to repair our relationship. You said you were going to ask me to come to the hospital, but all that I got was group posting on Facebook. That really doesn't qualify as being asked. Now, you have fathered a child that is several months old, and not only have I never met the child, I have never even met the mother of the child. The last time we talked, you said I was an asshole, but I've never tried to do anything but help you out. If you don't like the advice that I have given you in the past, I can't help that. All I can do is what I believe is right. I don't think I've ever given you bad advice. I also don't believe that I deserve to be completely left out when it comes to my grandchild. Please put forth some effort in trying to resolve our differences. I think this is a very important issue. It's also a matter of right and wrong. It has now been 17 months since I have seen you.

DH and Fil don't talk. Fil always demands that DH come see him. (DH does not go ever)

DH has told Fil that he does not want a relationship with him at all.

DH has tried to extend the olive branch and Fil is always an ass hole so DH decided to quit.

 So we forgot to call or text MIL on Mothers day. She was upset and posted about it on fb...
FIL commented with this gem...
"or Christmas,or father's day,or birthdays,ect.ect"

MIL hmm Didn't really seem to like me much when we first met. But then I had Her first grandson and now I'm great...

When my DD was in the hospital MIL and I talked about FIL (divorced). She made excuses for him... "It's just the way he is."
After I had DS she baby hogged at thanksgiving and Christmas, tried to on Easter ( I baby wore).

I'm not sure where we stand really. At the hospital with DD she told me that every one was weary of me because DH and his Ex had recently broke up and his ex was NUTSO. And then along came me and we fell in love so quickly, and me with a kid already; every one didn't want to get hurt.

Df sent this to his mom...
I would really appreciate if you spend more time with DD. When we over there you spent all your time with DS. If you don't spend time with both the kids then you won't see them at all...

This is what she replied with...
I think I have been more than generous when I didn't have to be. If you don't want me in their lives then that's fine, but don't threaten me using those children as pawns. I'm sorry you feel this way. It is sad to me for you to deny those children the pure joy of growing up with family. Our family has always been close and I can't imagine my life without them. I won't bother you anymore. My heart is breaking.

hell do you respond to that?

 the short sweet and to the point version of background with mother in law is that ever since dear son was born he has been the only one she focuses on Thanksgiving Christmas Easter birthdays
I am using voice to text to make sure I get all of this information in here. I apologize for the run on sentences I will attempt to use some punctuation.

DD is not related biologically to DF. DS is 6 months old. When this all first happened I thought it was because DS was new. I told my fiance let's wait and see what happens let's see if it changes. my son was born in November right before Thanksgiving at Thanksgiving my mother-in-law held him the entire time we were there. hardly paying any attention to my daughter that was the first time.

the second time was at Christmas, now before anyone take this wrong I do understand that she did not have to buy my daughter anything.

this was the first Christmas that we had spent with his family.they honestly did not know us from Adam we spent Thanksgiving with them twice... his grandparents got her this cute little plastic iPod replica. they got my son some cute outfits my fiance got several new outfits... his mother bought my son a $55 bouncy chair his mother bought DF at least 150 worth of clothing and shoes... I got clearance bin scrapbooking items that she pulled apart to make it seem like more.. that I can handle but when my daughter opened up 2 of the Walmart $5 games that you would buy for a birthday party I got upset...

I'm going to post this before I lose it.

 we had not seen them since Christmas nothing was said nothing was done about it. well Easter rolled around and we figured let's give it a go see what happens.. we went to church with them and I were son because it would be easier to keep him calm. at the church mother in law sat next to dear daughter and constantly asked for dear son... I did not give her DS. after church we went over to Papas for lunch and egg hunting. MIL. Sat inside and held DS the entire time we were there. DF AND I went outside and hid the eggs for the kids to hunt. when it was time to hunt the eggs all of the adult and all of the kids except FOR MIL who was holding DS. it frustrated me for her to miss my daughters first egg hunt. she played it off and SAID DS was sleeping. so I let it go. 

this past weekend was Memorial Day we went over to Papa's house for lunch and she held my son the entire time we were there what I told her to put him down and let him crawl on the floor she put him down and went immediately outside. she was outside for maybe 15 20 minutes talking to DF. DD was outside with them I don't know exactly what happened because I wasn't there when she came back inside she went straight for my son and held him until he fell asleep. when it was time to leave I told my daughter to give everyone hugs and kisses bye she did and mother in law gave her a quick peck on the cheek and a sideways one arm hug... when she kissed my son it was all over the face and with and I'll miss you can't wait to see you again soon...

 DF has a response he says more than generous when you didn't have to be I didn't ask you for your money or gifts I asked you to spend time with my daughter the same amount of time you spend with my son I'm not using my children as pawns I'm protecting my daughter from being hurt..... 

I have to say MIL was not really around daughter very much before son was born.. DF and I have agreed to a 6 months time out. which may or may not include my son's first birthday...



As of Sunday mil is no longer in a time out.  Fil can foadiaf.  Dh is battling depression.
I need new child care.  We both LOVE our jobs. We are ecstatic about having another lil squish!
I will elaborate more.after ive had sleeps

Letting MIL out of TO was an idiot decision. She has STOMPED all over DS's birthday and our plans.

Fil can still FOADIAF.  ITO

Depression not so much, child care was found. I still love my job DH lost his and recently found another one.

Still excited about the new squish.

MIL- Ugh. .

I know my feelings are valid. I just need to know how you would perceive this situation.
To start the day I had a doc appt at 9:30, while at the appt DH texts me and says MIL is coming over tomorrow to give DS gifts for his 1st birthday.
I responded that was not OK. Our house is not company ready. Hell to be completely honest its not cps ready. I have not had the time between work and sleep to clean it to my expectations.
Well I get done with my doc appt. and call MIL from my work phone because our cell phones *JUST* got suspended. (damn me for forgetting that bill.) She answers and I mention that I called her because of the suspended phones I didn't want to leave her hanging... SHE IS AT MY HOUSE!
I am startled to say the least. This is the FIRST time in 2 and 1/2 years she felt the need to come to my home unannounced.
MIL proceeds to tell me that she brought DS his gifts and Balloons. A full day before his actual birthday. While I am not there. I know she can tell I am upset, because she starts saying I didn't bring any cake though. (repeatedly).
I just got off the phone as quickly as possible. I called DH a while later when I was sure she would be gone, and I flipped my shit. so to speak. I told him it was NOT OK for her to just show up with our permission, to bring DS birthday gifts with out asking. I also told him the the "party" lunch I was planning on inviting MIL to was no longer going to happen for her. (I was planning on inviting MIL to lunch on my dime for DS birthday. Cake included.)
Nope not going to happen. I will plan something for my Family who fucking know better than that shit.

DUH in every aspect. He did not clean said mess. I feel she did have her own birthday with DS. I do not plan on inviting her to see his first birthday cake.
DH and I had decided about a week ago that 5 months was good enough we were going to be nice and allow her to be there for DS 1st birthday.
Fuck that, oh and Thanksgiving off the table Christmas not a chance in hell.
I still need to have a heart to heart with DH about everything going on. We will be on the same page before any thing else transpires.
Dh and i still haven't talked. He got a job which trumped me being mad for the time being. We will talk later.

Mil bought my son his first balloons and his first bike. I told Dh how upset I was that they celebrated DS birthday with out me. Dh showed me what she bought then promptly popped the balloons and dismantled the trike.

Im still pissed. I was explaining to a co worker about how we had planned our own traditions. Balloons are for every one not just birthday kid, and.first bikes are given at 3. and another coworker who was standing by listening came off and said you can't call them traditions because you've only had 1 run through and that's how it worked,that doesn't make it a tradition.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from this little post is just a guess an FYI this is what happened. Whats your take on it so far.

DH has said no thanksgiving no Christmas no holidays for a while. Until I can think on this day with out crying or wanting to cry.
I prefer dickkuckle. But yeah he is all faaaaaaamily. And I am all like no that bitch didn't even call ask if it was OK. Trying to decided if i want to take it walmart or stuff it in my closet until further notice.

Even checked her fb to see if she had posted any pictures... none yet. My spelling sucks with this phone. I moss my computer and Internet.
So DH and I have decided to celebrate DS birthday on the 21st posted it on FB. (Since joining bbc I'm not as active on fb as I used to be). Posted this last night.

This afternoon DH get a text from Mil asking to do a.birthday dinner for Ds at a restaurant of our choice. Dh ignored the text to ask my opinion. Mil responded with another text saying. Hello? Dh decided to ignore completely.

She then texted me the same question... I responded with we already have plans.

And left it at that. I'm pissed off that she tried yet again to take away my son's birthday from me.

I believe that a TO is in order just need DH to see it that way.

MIL sent this gem straight to bh land.

I meant no disrespect about DS's birthday . Just wanted the little guy to have a little something special for his birthday that's all.....

Dh wants to deal with her so i have backed off. As long as she doesn't message me she doesn't hear from me. Dh said he knows what she did wasn't OK. He just wants to handle things so as not to lose the rest of his family...

Bg fyi ~ Dh recently lost a grandfather he was close to and nobody on his fathers side told him until 2 months later. He fears losing his uncle and only living grandfather the same way... I have never seen a more broken man than when he found out about Grandpa J.

There is so much more i could post. But im sleepy and it affecting my typing on this phone. Will check back tomorrow at work. ****Etc****ds name

I thought a 5 mo TO was good too. So we ended early so I could invite her to spend DS birthday with us; and she pulled that crap.
I need to talk to DH about getting together with GP and Uncle with out his mom but they do EVERY thing together... Seriously I think that if any one plans something they call every one and invite them all

Lord help me. This  might get a little long.
DH is Ex-Navy. He has PTSD, depression, and anxiety. He does not handle stress well.
We have been struggling like crazy. I’m not even sure where to begin. So I’ll skip it all and get to the chase. We are behind again because of unforeseen events. To the point of being evicted. We have 10 days to vacate the property… With NO money to do so. All of the stress finally got to my wonderful DH and he had a break down while at work and was seriously considering suicide. Thankfully he did not act on said thoughts and looked for help. He then spent 4 days in the “crazy” house getting the treatment and help he so desperately needed.
I don’t really have any friends where I am so that means no one to talk to about all of this. I love him so much and I know he loves us. We are working really really hard towards never letting this happen again.

If you ask questions I will answer them. I just don’t know where to go from here.

DH is doing great! We got evicted. Found out DH is getting $$ every month from his deceased grandfather. I am freaking out about how much stress is no longer on my shoulders...  There is so much more.

Staying with my mom right now BUT we might have found a place!! The money was. Un expected... it is enough for Dh to be the stay at home dad he wants to be. We plan on using it for bills and saving my paycheck... it is a monthly check that will come for the next 20 years.....

Now usually i complain about my mil But not today...she and gmil bought my littles a "ton" of presents knowing dh and i couldn't afford to do. Christmas this year. I am grateful to her. She called to see if we could come to Christmas and i said no because i have to work the day after, she said well we can just move Christmas so you can be there. We are now going on Christmas eve.
Would love to type out every thing but i HATE my phone..... sorry for any drunk spelling... its 330 am and i am sleepy lol.

It is an unexpected gift. MIL and I had a small convo about how much they bought the littles, where she begged me not to be angry lol. 

 I am finally at a computer. lol  Our Christmas was awesome! The littles enjoyed themselves, MIL kept her hands to her self. GMIL was awesome in keeping me company. There were no favorites!
And I would consider doing it again.

So DH and I were in the middle of packing and moving MONTHS before Christmas. My little brother allowed some lady (Mary) I can't stand in the house to use our bathroom. FF to the early weeks of December my Mom starts getting texts from Mary talking about how my house was filthy and nasty and she was surprised DCS had not been called on us... Mom shut it down no big deal... BUT I knew it was coming.
Christmas morning my Mom gets a text from Mary saying Merry Christmas, and I went off. Take your Merry Christmas and shove it. Don't contact my mom again.
She came back with some NASTY TRIGGERY SATAN text. I put her in MR.Number with a repeater text that says SEEK JESUS , and DO NOT contact me again.

She is neither i believe she is a drug head. Her first response was highly religious, then her second contained satanic rituals and triggering things dealing with children. Just gross my mom deleted the texts thank goodness

Quick BG on our last month. We recently moved in to our own apartment have been here for just a month. In that time  *We have been sick for 3 weeks head and chest colds and I personally have bronchitics (first time ever). So Yeah there is laundry and general trash and the kids toys just laying about. We are still unpacking and getting organized all while working full time and dealing with sick littles.   Now on to DH issue.

We are ELC with MIL because she is my BEC. DH invited her over 2/1/15 for a quick visit with our DD for her 4th Birthday. The visit went well in my opinion; with the exception of MIL making a CBF over my pet snake KA.
So FF to yesterday afternoon MIL called DH and proceeded to chastise DH about the condition of our living room and kitchen. *This woman never left the living room to see the rest of the house.* She told DH that if he wont clean up and take care of our kids and house then he needs to hire someone to do it for him. *ie Merry Maids* Because your kids don't deserve to live that way. She told him I didn't raise you to live like that. 
She then went on to tell him we needed to get rid of KA (snake) because he could get out and kill your kids. *MIL hates snakes and doesn't believe they should be pets she believes they should be killed.*
DH would like your help writing an e-mail to her telling her that he is not a child to be "punished" or "chastised" he is a grown man living and paying his own way. If our living situation bothers her so much then don't come over. Our pet choices are again none of her concern as she is not paying for the upkeep or care for said animals. DH feels disrespected as a father and man of his own home. He doesn't want to let this go with out being addressed as its NOT OK with him. 

He needs your help because my version of the e-mail is Fuck you you want it cleaner you pay for the damn maids... and STFU about MY PET. Its a Ball Python about 2 1/2 to 3 ft long.

There are a lot of points and I am going to try to "kill two Birds with one stone".

"general trash" meaning some used tissues and soda cans a fast food bag on the counter maybe a pizza box from lunch. There was food on the floor because "surprise I have 2 small children" and she came over right after lunch. I mean the food had just been finished clean up had not yet started.  
If MIL were really offering to pay merry maids to come in and clean I would probably take her up on it because Damn it would be nice not to have to deal with all this shit after being down with bronchitics for the first time ever.  I have never had any thing worse than a cold or 1 day stomach virus.

Our situation has changed dramatically since my previous posts. DH and I are working daily to keep the house clean and picked up. The hardest part is all of our laundry that had had to be rewashed since our move. If she had said something back when our house was not CPS ready or even what I would have considered livable, I could understand it. BUT she didn't and if CPS were to show up in the next few days they would just tell me to get my laundry done. The little bit of trash that she has seen if from lunch that day and some soda cans, tissues, oh and the Chinese food bag from dinner the night before which was on the counter not in the trash.

Nettie my own mother actually said the same thing about her caring and it coming from a good place; BUT again if that were the case WHY didn't she speak up about the other place? This is what confuses me. My home is not unsanitary I do have boxes in my living room that need to be unpacked my laundry room is my kitchen so yeah there are clothes in there on the floor. lol

OK and Finally to address the snake issue one last time. He is apx 3ft long at the most. His cage is completely secure. His personality is extremely docile, so much so I allow my DD (4) to hold him with close supervision of course. When the feel of his skin docent make me want to vomit  I wear him around my neck to do my house hold chores and he just chills with me. (pregnancy sucks cause I miss holding him).

So an update of sorts.

DH sent this message to his mother.


Having thought on our conversation the other day, I'd like you to know that it bothers me when you speak to me as if I were a child in need of chastisement.
I am an adult and I really don't have to justify anything to you.
For the sake of our continued relationship, please refrain from ringing and chastising me in the future.  I am happy to discuss anything, but I will not be told off by you or anyone else.


 Her response was as follows.

* I am just trying to help you. You could go to jail and or the children could be taken away for the conditions they are living in. I deal with this stuff every day (MIL works for the county clerks office at the court house) and would be truly embarrassed to have to process the paperwork on you! If you go to jail for that I will not bond you out. I've told you how this works. If it happens its on you! Oh and BTW, if you go to jail.... the money STOPS.* (the money she is talking about I am guessing is the trust fund DH gets from his dead grandfather.)

DH has not responded to her. He is pissed off and did not want to respond with out a clear head. DH has decided he is done and is putting her in a TO for at the very least a year. 

DH is pissed off that she is still talking down to him. We talked about it some before I posted here and had to explain to him what exactly a TO, ELC, and CO were... I also told him that I won't make that decision for him but I damn sure will enforce it.

Honestly I think she is pissed he stood up to her. I believe she messaged my DH all of that bull shit as a scare tactic, which failed because I have been through the system and dealt with cps before. (as a child not a parent).

 The trust fund thing I think is because when ever we struggled before we always refused her money. I refused to to owe her any thing.  In my county if the cps gets involved they often times bring a cop for their own safety which in turn often causes reports of neglect. I know two personal friends who are what I would call neat freaks that are fighting it now due to a sink load of dirty dishes that's it. Seriously the cps worker hat showed up took close up pics of my friends sink and about an hour later cops showed up to take her children away.

I don't know about all of the stipulations the Trust comes with. There are a few and we do have to provide a budget as to what we spend it on. She couldn't be further from the trust than you all are. Hell she doesn't know how much he gets as far as I know, unless FIL (divorced but friendly) told her what he (FIL) gets.
IDK why she is bringing up CPS. She is the only person to bring up such concerns. CPS does not randomly inspect unless called of course. I agree it sounds like a threat and if they show up SHE will not be seeing my children again. EVER, I have informed DH of this fact and also told him that if he wants to continue a relationship with her that is up to him but our children and I are OUT.

So I was at work and had to leave because lo and behold CPS showed. Sweep my floors and pick up my laundry CPS said they will be back in a few hours. 
I NEVER post my bs on FB but this time I did. I am not ashamed. FUCK HER. I'll be back after they do the second walk through.
You call CPS on me... OK Do NOT under any circumstances contact me or attempt to see or have a relationship with my children. We are no longer any of your concern. Thank you for essentially cutting your self off from my family. Contacting my husband to gain access to my children will not help you. WE ARE DONE WITH YOU.

So our walk through was fine. The cps lady said that our house just needed a little sprucing up. She'll be back on Monday to see that our laundry is all done. Then she'll make a few more drop ins because the snake needs a new cage and to make sure we get unpacked and sorted because that was the main concern.
DH is in shut down mode because well FUCK it was his mother. He is at a loss as to how to feel.

So I was talking with the father of the kids that were taken because of dirty dishes, and found out it was much worse than just dirty dishes. There was more to the story than what his Ex-Wife was telling.  Fucking up MIL's life. eh she's dead can't fuck up the dead. 

As far as the trust goes it is in the control of a company that DH's dead grandfather highly trusted. DH does need to call them on Monday for tax purposes he might as well talk to them about MIL. We do need to look into wills and living wills considering all the bs.

My fb post had not been commented on except by people who completely support every thing I have said.
MIL did post a meme that states " integrity demands that I do whats right even if its unpleasant and unpopular."
I don't think she believes DH or I will really keep our children away from her. She is sadly mistaken. If she really does escalate someone better pray I don't see her cause the crazy in me would break free. (maybe)
GPR in the state of TN she has no standing.

So I guess FIL saw my FB post. He liked it, and then sent me this text... The response I want to send is not nice. So I am going to BH and vent about it here.

The text I WANT to send but wont.

 Not that it is any of your business how WE parent but for your FYI. DD wasn't wearing panties because we are still potty training and it is easier for her to notice she needs to go.We did not skip out of any county due to the way we live. As for threatening people HA it was not a threat. I refuse to let HER around MY children. She choose this route. You have never seen my house or met me or my children. That's on you. My kids do deserve better, they deserve better family members than you and MIL..

Jokes on them dh and i would go for my family first as they have always been more supportive

The bitch in me really really wants to respond with it was not a threat and since you seem to have chosen a side you can join her. And my family just showed up to go do laundry and help DH clean while I die. (sick again)

All FIL has is what MIL has told him. They are divorced I've never met him he has never met me or our kids... oh and DH has him on an ITO. Sorry for my crappy spelling and grammer on the phone trying not to puke

*UPDATE* My house is spotless! Hee hee hee with the exception of my room. lol still have lots to unpack and I need shelves for that. <3I love love love my aunt and her kid and her crazy military raised roomie. lol DUDE they even swept and mopped the whole place.!  All my laundry is done! CPS eat your heart out.


ETA:: Very glad I have a doc appt today because Damn I'm spotting and having sharp searing pains in my back and tummy... Contraction like pains... UGH its too early little boy.

So far I'm dilated to 1 cm at 30 weeks. I am dehydrated and getting a steroid shot.

Personally I believe its all the stress. So I just woke up because DH let me sleep forever. I feel a little bad cause I know he has not gotten a good nights sleep in a few days.  I was told to drink more water even if it makes me want to puke. (gag)

CPS was a no show. My bug guy was a no show. but my house looks amazing!
DD (4) decided it would be OK to shake DS's (1) playpen while yelling wake up! She is now taking a late nap lol. Love the little Jerk.  

As far as FB MIL and FIL are deleted from mine but not DH which is OK with me cause I can keep tabs on the ass holes. DH is not a big poster but a big sharer lol. My FB is private lock down.

I need to find a way to stop giving this heiffer head space.
UGH!!! April birthdays are coming up and so is Blot's birth. I know THE DEAD BITCH is going to try to do something, or show up. Already preparing to talk to my hospital about DS's birth and not wanting any one to be able to view my child.
On other news GREAT NEWS!

DH is now getting 100% benefits from the VA. On top of what Blessings Deceased Grandfather left him...With that and my paychecks putting our monthly income around 5 to 5.5 thousand a month!! We have a small nest egg started our bills are all paid. We have splurged some (a lot). Spoiled each other and our kids. Helped my family out in ways we could not before. Bought a much needed second car, and living room furniture. We are donating to my favorite christian radio station since I don't do church at the moment.  I feel so blessed.

I am so thankful for every thing we have been blessed with. Only thing left to do is go get married. Which will happen this month if I have any thing to say about it.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Craptastic Emotions Today

I have no excuse for acting like a child throwing a tantrum...

 Its silly and I know it. Seriously It's just pregnancy hormones.

 If these hormones do not go away I am sure my Fiance will...

Not to day. Apparently I am horribly at hiding my emotions.
I feel like I have built a castle around my heart today because of my Craptastic Emotional Overload!
After the way I have been acting today yeah I just want to freaking cry.
 My Wonderful Husband to be did more than hold my hand; he crawled up in the bed with me and wrapped him self around me and told me I could cry if I wanted to.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Feeling Defeated

I guess you could call this a small vent. 
Thanksgiving for us was mostly great. There were a few things that in the heat of the moment I failed. So I guess I will start from the beginning. 
Our Thanksgiving started on Wednesday and ends/ended Friday night.
We drove about an hour to my Aunt's house on wed. afternoon and when we got there we had a great visit. The first visit lasted late in to the morning Thursday with cooking and joking and family time. DD enjoyed herself to the point of exhaustion and passed out before 10pm. DS being 3 weeks old did his baby thing, every one loved on and held both of the Goblins. 
Thursday - MIL texted and reminded us about family lunch with DH's side at 12. We asked when she would be there because we knew she had to be at work at 2pm. MIL is USUALLY non-boundary stomping and great with including DD, so I wanted to make sure she had plenty of time with the Goblins. We make plans to get there at 11 or 11:30. 
FF- We get to "home of hosting family member". We get out of the car and before we are half way to the house MIL meets us outside. *Not really a big deal to me kinda annoying but really NBD*  Any ways we all walk up to the house and MIL leads the way opening doors and letting DH and DD inside I walk up the steps and BARELY get one foot over the thresh hold and MIL takes DS's car seat out of my hands... I'm a little irritated but kinda shrug it off because I have been in the *baby blues kinda moody lately*. OK so we are inside and I walk over to MIL who is having issues getting DS out of the car seat because she has her nails done and can't work the clasps...* I giggle in my head and go help get DS out*
Visiting is going great DH is opening *more* gifts for DS. Food is soon ready (about 35 minutes after we get there) MIL hands me DS back and I am glad to have him. I let every one know they can eat first while I hold DS... Well DH's Grandmother (GMIL) comes over places her hands out and says "I'll hold DS so you can eat", I politely said that's OK you go ahead and eat. *Big fail on my part* She then put her hands on either side of my DS and took him off of my chest. **I don't know why I didn't say any thing or even try to stop her.**  So I eat and MIL kinda flies through her food and the next thing I know she has DS again. **I USUALLY don't mind but for some reason today it was just seriously upsetting me.**  So I get DS from her again and she goes about making a plate of food for her co worker. In the time that takes about 5 minutes barely she has mentioned she would like a 4 generation picture of "the boys". (literally her words). This is OK with me, at first. 
I am holding DS and I look at DH and go to hand him off to DH and MIL comes over trying to take DS. DH looks at her and says I've got him he's my son. Skip a head to GFIL, DH, DS, and MIL sitting on the picture couch and every one is taking pictures of them... I assumed it would be GFIL, DH, DS, and UIL, so why is MIL in the picture.(not really a big deal) Well after the first pictures MIL gets UIL on the couch and she sits on the floor in front of GFIL and take more pictures... 
After all those pictures were taken GMIL (I really love this woman) Says DH why don't we get a picture of you and your family... **this really pissed me off and hurt my feelings** I pick up DD and I turn to step closer to DH who WAS holding DS to see MIL holding DS... I'm a little confused until I realized... She was going to stand in the picture too... 
It didn't hit me until later after we left. She stood between DH and I holding OUR SON! OH and to top it all off no one took any pictures for us with MY camera/phone... I am so pissed and hurt. I'm not sure if it was intentional or accidental and because she was so excited. 

OK so off the subject of MIL and on to DH who had a serious DUH moment... 
We had to make a pit stop at Walmart for some tupper ware and pants for DH. We complete our shopping and are heading to the check out DuH mentions he needs to get some dip he is out. I say no problem and we head over to the line and I see the cashier...*insert cranky ugly face* I tell DH nope you can get it at Thortons we are NOT going through that ladies line. He asked me why not I said because she is the lady that got me fired...
DH in all of his DuH glory decided to go through "that cashier's" line just for his dip. I was of course pissed beyond belief. I acted like a child and after making my purchases stomped out to the car and slammed the doors I used. I was so mad that I ended up crying. We get in the car go get gas and then head back to my Aunt's house.
We get there I get all the stuff out of the car and go inside. Some one mentioned me being upset asked what is wrong and I went off not exactly screaming but with a raised voice about what happened at the store. Aunt being the smart ass that she is told me to let it go because it was Thanksgiving, I turned around and walked my happy ass right back out side and sat in the car. *its silly but it helped me calm down* Then DH came outside and apologized for hurting my feelings at walmart.
It is now 4 am I have not slept and I cleaned up after dinner all by my self.
That was our Thanksgiving...
I hope yours was better and with out so much drama. 

If I had to ask a question it would be... How do I let MIL know what happened upset me nicely?  Are all these emotions just me looking for someone stepping on a boundary? How much longer am I going to feel like an alien in my own body?

**eta** DH got major brownie points after the walmart thing... For showing me this ring*(Resident Evil inspired engagement ring)*... And mentioning that he wanted to get it for me because It symbolizes how we met. 

Monday, November 18, 2013

DS's Birth Story

Well I guess it is about time to type out my Dear Son's birth.

I decided to be induced at 39 weeks. In all honesty I was just ready to be done with pregnancy. I was tired of my vagina lips hurting and throbbing with sharp pains. I was tired of the constant pressure and feeling like I needed to poop.

We arrived at the hospital at 3:30 am and were placed in our L&D room. We were hooked up to the monitors and I was dilated to 5 1/2 cm. They hooked me up to my fluids and pitocin.  Well between 5am and 7am I asked for my epidural. I was starting to feel my contractions and I was just completely uncomfortable.

*cue lots of sleep*

Around 9 or 9:30am MIL  showed up and even though I didn't really want any one at the hospital until after I had given birth, I was so thankful she showed up when she did. I had paged for a nurse two or three times and no one had shown up. I was in excruciating pain.  To the point of crying full blown tears. On a scale of 1-10 my pain level was at a 12.  DH was sleeping and I had tried to call out to him and he wouldn't wake up. MIL came in saw that I was in pain and not only woke my DH up she went and got a nurse for me.

At this point I could care less who was in the room as I was just in excruciating pain. I was feeling every contraction. It was enough pain to make me cry... The nurse got the anesthesiologist to come in and try to up my meds... No such luck the Epi had completely stopped working, and after pumping me so full of meds I should have been unable to move... He told me he was sorry and that he could no longer give me any more meds because I had reached the max dosage. *cue sad face on me* I remember telling DH I wanted my mom, and being the wonderful man that he is called my mom to see where she was. **not close enough for me to have her there with me**

So fast forward 30 minutes to an hour. Nurse comes in and says lets have you a baby. MIL asked me if I wanted her to leave I nodded my head yes and there she went out the door. It took less than an hour and I had pushed DS out. *I felt every thing* At one point my OB told me to stop pushing... *cord was wrapped* I didn't know this until 3 days later when DH told me.

As soon as my mom showed up MIL took care of DD and sent her right in to me. All I could do was shake and cry. I cried with relief that my DS and I were both OK. I was shaking because of all the meds that had been pumped in me and I was suddenly so COLD. All I could do was ask for my son. I told the nurse checking his vitals that I wanted him as soon as she was done. *she did give him straight to me when she was done* I didn't share him at all for the time I had him. I told DH he could hold him later but I wasn't sharing. I was made to stay in my L&D room for an hour with yet another bag of fluids attached to me. Some wonderful nurse brought me a hot blanket to cover up with which helped with the shaking.

After we were transferred to our postpartum room the brought DS back to us and DH was the first to hold him, then DD we took several pictures of DD holding him.

MIL was AMAZING. I love her for coming to my rescue.

Friday, November 15, 2013

What a slap in the Face.

As some of you know DF and I have been struggling financially since I lost my job in July.  I must say that even with DF not being able to find another PT job we have kept up on our bills. Both of our cars are in serious need of breaks and we just couldn't afford to fix either of them and pay our bills. *We were and are still planning to get them both serviced when we get our taxes.* OK so to the point. DF called his Grandfather on his dad's side. He asked him for $$ to help us get our car/s fixed.  I was not apart of the conversation didn't even know DF was going to ask. To be honest I was honestly relieved and thankful he was willing to help. Until I got his letter/check in the mail. Word for word this is what he said.

*** Dear DF
you and your partner have no right to create to children which you can't support.
do whatever it takes to prevent this irresponsible inconsiderate action from happening again!

I am livid. Pissed off. Hurt. And slightly confused.

**Flame away if you want to**

I took that damn check to the bank and deposited it. I am taking DF's car Monday to get serviced. I will have the one working car I need to take my DD and newborn DS to the doctors SAFELY!

Since I took the $$ the devil offered... I posted this on FB a little while ago.

Dear person I have never met,

I just want you to know we can support our children on our own. Yes my future husband and I are having a difficult time right now. We will get through this. While I appreciate your lending us the $ to get at least one of our vehicles fixed and safe for our children to ride in... We will pay you back every cent you have given/lent us.

How dare you call my child an irresponsible, inconsiderate action. You don't know me or my story, you have not even made an attempt to get to know me*to the best of my knowledge*. It is not up to you how I spend my life. How we spend our lives. Were it not so important to have at least 1 working vehicle to our house hold I would never have accepted what was sent.

It breaks my heart that people can be so thoughtless and hurtful. I would NEVER EVER give up my children. I love them more than my own life. You Sir can go to hell. Screw you and your $. I swear it here and now that when I get my tax money, I WILL GIVE YOU BACK YOUR MONEY.

I also want you to know that any chance of a relationship you think you might have had with Our children IS GONE. Over my dead body will my children know you.

A pissed off Mom.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Rodent Stories.

First off I live in a trailer park right next to a grain field of some kind. When we first moved in I was living with my parents in tr# 14. Across the "street" is tr# 5. I was 6 maybe 7 months pregnant with my DD and had made friends with the girl in tr# 5 and her twin girls.

So I am baby sitting one night for her to work and I hear a rustling noise in the pantry. I didn't know what it was so I "stabbed" at it with a broom. *real smart huh*.

Any way a damn field mouse jumped off a box of cereal and right into a mouse trap. ONLY the damn mouse landed in the middle of the trap so when it went off it broke its back but didn't kill it.

I *hormonal and upset I hurt a mouse* walked across the "road" to my mom's and went to go up her steps... Only I couldn't because there was a SKUNK right on the first step... UGH. I went to the living room window and knocked.

My Awesome mom got the skunk to go away and came to my rescue. She took care of the little mouse and THEN laughed at me because of my hysterical crying.

I have realized I can not handle dead animals while pregnant. Something in me just breaks.

*ps* I now live in tr # 5. Mouse free and ready to move any ways.