Saturday, December 2, 2017

Feeling Defeated

In the last 4 days I have been emotionally beaten to a bloody pulp.

Day one my DCS case worker called and informed me that she was taking steps to remove my parental rights. She stated that it was for failure to complete the Permanency plan. She then encourage me to willingly give up my children so that the foster family would still allow us to see them and if DCS had to forcibly take my rights then they would not allow us to see them ever again. I was emotionally drained and collapsed into grief and mourning. I was lost in despair, anxiety, and stress to the point of being physically ill.

On a side note I want to say that since my kids have been taken, every person of support has been alienated away from me by DCS.

Day two after that phone call I was told that one of the services that I am required to participate in was canceled. The Lady who provides that service is fighting to keep it going. I fully believe that it was my DCS case worker trying to sabotage me.

Day 3 must have been the worst for me. I received paperwork from the child support office stating I Owed 5,757 in back child support. I was crushed yet again with overwhelming crushing defeat.

Day 4 I received the paperwork in the mail stating that my child support was 675 a month... This is mine separately. This does not include what they will be charging my husband. I am guessing after some math my husbands estimated CS a month will be 802$ So our combined CS is 1,477$.  After our monthly bills we roughly have a little under 900 $ left over. I am just overwhelmed. What more can I give. I love and want my children back home. I just don't really know what else I can do.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017


We talked about my kids today in therapy, my kids and the holidays. I miss my children dearly and with out my children and family... I am essentially missing Christmas also. What is the point of the holidays with out family.

We talked about me wearing a mask. I know I wear a mask. I wear it to help me cope with not having my kids at home with me. If I don't wear my mask how will I get out of bed in the morning? How do I keep from feeling all is lost.  My mask keeps me sane.

Friday, November 10, 2017

Self motivation maybe.

I'm not really sure what is goin on with me, I just want to cry. I feel hopless and lost. I am binge watching T.V. and neglecting my home. I have someone from Homemaker services coming to my home at 8:30 in the morning and I am ashamed to let him inside and see how horrible it looks. I am going to load my dishwasher in a few minutes and hope its done in time for me to run it again. I feel like I am failing at fighting for my kids to come home.

I need to feel more like this.

I need to learn to fight harder for myself, my kids and my husband!

Image result for inspirational cleaning quotes

This is what I need most rght now. I really need someone to help motivate me to be a better person, a better house keeper.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

DCS update.

I am not sure what happened to my previous update but apparently it disappeared.

Lately I have been feeling really attacked by my case worker. Do this right now your not doing enough... are you sure you want your kids back?

 I love my children and Want them to come home. The Foster family that has them is amazing. They call and update me at all times over every thing. I know my children are safe where they are but Damn they are my children and I want them home. I miss them terribly and just want to cuddles them and watch tv with them.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017


So I have started therapy to appease the DCS workers. I am truly hoping that it helps me with something. Even if it is someone to talk to. I am tired of feeling alone.

I am still not sure what I am looking for in therapy. I was goofing around on FB and came across an article about emotional abuse.. IE: 10 signs you have suffered Emotional abuse.

1. You hold in anger.
   I am not really sure I hold in anger I just don't get angry. Things happen and I get a little upset, I talk about what I am feeling with my husband and move on.

2. You don't hold your ground and defend yourself.
   This one really speaks out to me, I feel like I don't have the right to stand up for myself. I have always been timid and afraid to really stand up for my self against any one with authority. I believe I have lost two jobs because of this.

3. You try to please everyone.
    I really do try to please and help every one even when it hurts me. I helped out my parents and my aunt with money to the point where I would run out of money before the end of the month or next paycheck.

4. You experience anxiety and or depression.
   I didn't really have a stable home life so its really important to have a stable home and food in the house. I have anxiety or get stressed out when I miss paying a bill or when the food in the house gets low. I don't make friends easily and have had my trust really shredded by the ones that were supposed to be there forever. It truly upsets me when I think about all the things I have missed out on in my life.

5. You tend to be overly shy.
   I am shy. It is really no lie, I was bullied so much as a kid that it's really hard for me to open up and make friends. I have a I guess it would be called a persona when I am out and about. I am also a very private person.

6. You Self Blame.
   I do self blame a lot. I blame myself for the fact I was bullied as a kid, I blame my self for my situation with DCS. It is my fault I am fat.

7. You are your own bully.
   I am my own bully. I am not good enough for my husband, I am not good enough for my kids. I am a lazy, fat, sloppy parent.

8. I need validation from people.
  I need to be needed. I believe it is why I help people to my own detriment.

I am not sure what to do about all of this. I am not sure how I feel about it or what to share with my therapist. Where does it go from here.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

A Baby! Number 4! Continued Updates to follow.

September 17, 2017

So we found out I am pregnant! How exciting!

September 12, 2017

My first Doctor's appointment! Slow and steady wins the race. A quick yearly check up for mommy and meeting an awesome Doctor. Megan Webb

September 20, 2017

Appointment number 2! Oh what fun! Mommy got to see you today baby. You are such a tiny little blob with a heart beat! 178 beats per minute! So tiny and so fast. Mommy's heart is so happy with love for you! Our Ultrasound Tec. was the awesome Mrs. Jodi. Mommy's Doctor took blood for all kinds of tests this doctor's appointment.

Monday, September 25, 2017

Lost and confused.

I feel so lost and confused with all that is going on in my life. My children are in DCS care and my DCS case worker is making me feel like a horrible parent. She keeps changing her "story". She tells my husband and I that we need to be at every DR. appointment and then when I tell the Foster Family what she said she changes her damn story and makes out like that is not what she inferred.

I am a home body and I don't really like people in my home. My home is supposed to be my safe place and it no longer feels like my safe place. I have increased anxiety and depression because of all of this added drama and stress. DCS wants me to see a therapist weekly!

It also seems like DCS is trying to find something wrong with me or my parenting. Weekly therapy, in home therapy, a hoarder therapist, a full psychological evaluation and possibly medication! What the hell?

I am pregnant and I want to share this with my kids and I can't because my DCS case worker is cray cray and she will find some way to turn this on me.

Feeling Defeated

In the last 4 days I have been emotionally beaten to a bloody pulp. Day one my DCS case worker called and informed me that she was taking ...