Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Embarassing Sex stories!

This thread was originated on another website I use but Dang it was so funny I had to share it here... *giggles*  I'd like to add a special thank you to the friends that contributed their stories to this blog :-) I would also like to invite you to share your own stories in the comments If you feel Daring.

DH and I were getting down and dirty in my aunties living room and her next door neighbor walked in and saw every thing lmao!!! He now knocks before entering my aunts house if either of our cars are there lmao!!!

An ex and I were in the shared apartment alone in the living room did me face down on the floor him behind me... And a roommate who was supposed to be at work walked in and the ex bf kept going nothing I could do to stop it cause he had me pinned.... Roommate left and didn't come back for 4 hours.... Ugh!!!

So funny story. Cum makes me vomit. Looks smells and tastes NASTY to me. Was giving ex a blow job and he came in my mouth. (Tmi) I swallowed and about 3 seconds later puked all over his crotch and he had to walk to the bathroom like that to clean it up. He then told every one about it and we got made fun of for months..

Was having with an ex by the pool and got caught by the cops who drove by twice stopped the second time and yelled out to keep it down and leave the pool area clean when we left. !!

 DH and I just finished an amazing quickie! lol and you guessed it I farted! Fell off the bed laughing, and then almost died when DH turned around and farted too! I laughed 15 times harder and farted again! OMG can't stop laughing! just figured you all would enjoy that! lmao!

While having some particularly wild sex with my high school boyfriend he fell off my very high poster bed and fell ass first into the trash can where he was then wedged between the dresser and the bed.  I could not stop laughing to help the poor guy!!!

DH is feeling frisky, I was not, so he decided to go down on me. It was good, then I noticed a weird kind of tingling sensation. It was great until it started to burn like the fires of Hell! I started screaming OW OW IT BURNS! Stop it! No blow on it! OMG what did you do?! My husband says to me completely calm, Oh I forgot to spit out my cough drop. He likes those nasty ass Fisherman's Friend cough drops. I was seriously crying at this point, and Father-In law knocks on the door to ask what's wrong. DH starts laughing and I shout out, nothing serious, your son's a total idiot though.

One of the first times DH and I were doing the deed we were just dating at the time, I started my period. While I hopped in the shower he cleaned up the mess and went and got me pads and tampons. I cried when I saw and I knew he was a keeper. He even paid enough attention that he got the right brand. He got blow jobs the rest of the weekend.

The last time me and DH had sex. I had to get up and pee, I couldn't breathe when he was on top. When we tried to switch positions it took me forever to move. I also think Dh had one eye on the game too because the tv was on.

Duh and I had just gotten engaged and were "celebrating" in the car on some mountain road. I see a car coming (I was on top) and freaked and tried to roll onto the floor. Duh held me there, my ass was facing the window, who knows how much he saw. And by he, I mean the FWP ranger who stopped and looked in.

When we were still just dating, Duh and I were having sex in a canoe in the middle of a lake. Suddenly, it starts hailing! So we make a break for shore, luckily we had a trolley motor to help. DH had me man the motor while he paddled to help. So what happens? The motor falls off and feels like it about yanked my arm off. I started screaming (huge storm at this point) and DH yelled at me to hold onto the motor. We finally made it with everything, eventually...

DH and I hadn't been dating to long and wanted to do the deed, but we were still living with room mates or
family at the time, so he git a hotel room. I was stupid and was not expecting it at all....I thought we were just going to an after hrs bar. Anyways I finally realized where we were and jumped on him, and started making out like crazy. The lights in the room wouldn't stay on for some reason, so we just kept going with them was great....really great. So he jumped up to get another condom and the lights just turned in my horror, the walls and bed and him, were painted with blood!!! Ahhhh I was so embarrassed I had gotten my period n didn't realize it. It freaked him out. As this was the first time we ever done the deed....he was trying to be nice but I could tell he just wanted to head butt me. I apologized, we had sex again...but I was to embarrassed the whole time and it wasn't good. When we left I was sure I was never going to see him again......but here were are now! Twins on the way! We get a good laugh out of it now!!

The last time we had sex, I was about there and all of a sudden he just said "I have to pee" and stopped and went to the bathroom. It was first thing in the morning, but really? Just 10 more seconds, you know?

 I think the most embarrassing thing happened to me and my husband at my best friends BBQ. We had been drinking and went swimming so I went to the bathroom to change. DH decided to just change with me in the bathroom. Everyone was outside so it wasn't like anyone saw us go in there together. Well... Of course things get a little heated and little did we know, there was a door to the patio on the other side. But her little cousin (teenage boy) let us know, everyone at the party got a little show. :( whoops! Sorry BFFs family!

 My mom and dad was pregnant with me. My mom was instructed to go to l&d if she thought labor started including water breaking. My parents were doing the deed and all the sudden my dad felt a gush. All in a hurry and getting my grandma too they rushed to l&d. Nurses checked for contractions and so on... Come to find out I kicked my moms bladder and she peed on my dad. Yup mood killer!

 This really isn't embarrassing as much as it is funny...When DH and I were first married, I bought a green iguana and took it back to our apartment. He lived in the living room in a big glass tank and was MY pet (he preferred me). Well I guess DH and I never did the deed in the living room because, we moved and had the iguana in our room and the first time we did the deed and the iguana saw us doing it jumped from his branch in the tank and landed on the glass wall and all I could see was his tiny little face slid down the wall. I busted out laughing so bad. I guess he thought DH was killing me or something.

An ex and I were doing the deed in my bedroom. I was in college and still lived with my mom and sister who was still in HS. Anyway, I'm on top having a good ole time when my sister walks in. But she doesn't leave all awkwardly like a normal person. No. She points and laughs. Then I grab a blanket to cover us and she comes in and rips the blanket off of us. Then laughs some more. I had to throw shit at her to make leave. 

I was doing it with my ex and he got stuck on my nuvaring. That was painful in more ways than one.

Sadly I was a skank in my teen years, so when I met DH I was much MUCH more experienced. One night we were doing it doggy style and I told him to slap my ass. He hesitated, popped me the lamest, lightest little spank on my hip and then just hung his head in shame. I tried not to but my body was shaking so I let out my laughter full force, complete with snorting and he started cracking up too. We giggled through the rest of doing the deed and to this day we still talk about it.

Once my boyfriend and I stopped in an area they were building new houses, it was already dark maybe like 10pm ish . We had sex in the car. He was in the driver seat and I was on top . When I got off for him to cum, I grabbed his penis for him to cum on my leg cause it was that or my car . Lol anyhow I grabbed it but his cum popped him right in his mouth . He was freaking out and I was just laughing my ass off . He laughs about it now but that's probably our most embarrassing story.

I dated this guy and we finally decided to have sex for the first time. He was my second ever and the guy I lost my virginity to was huge, like painfully huge. Any who I was on top and I see his package and think god it's small. He enters but I feel nothing and I ask "is it in yet?" he says "yeah don't you feel it?" I was so embarrassed for him! I kind of wiggled for a second then said oh yeah...I still felt nothing. He came super fast and later we decided to just be friends.

I met a guy while on vacation when I was in college , we took the boat to the middle of the lake and started getting caught up. I stopped him to make sure he had something. His response: "no, don't worry, it'll be fine. I'd be there for you." Guess who rowed his ass back to shore to get a condom. I was all for a little fun vacation romance but not at the expense of my health or an unplanned pregnancy.

 I have one from my dating days. I was still fairly inexperienced so I decided to hook up with his older guy who had quite the reputation. So after many rounds over many hours, he decides he wants me to sit on his face. Bear in mind that I had been lubed multiple times at this point. So, I do it and he's doing his thing down there, and I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing. Of course, being all worn out, I queefed right in his face. And sprayed him down with lube. So we went for ice cream instead.

 Boyfriend and I were fooling around while on a cookout (just us at an upstate camp/picnic ground.  See how fast he could get his hand out of my pants when we heard the ranger's car pulling up.

An ex and I were living together in a nice trailer down in H&H.  His brother's infantry buddy waltzed through the front door.  Cue EX, who was not expecting company stalking out of the bedroom with a pillow covering his bits and a battle axe in his free hand.  Five minutes later, having hear no sounds of mayhem, I came out in panties and a button down shirt.  All buddy had to see was me in the shirt, he turned six shades of red and spent the next six weeks apologizing every time he saw me.
 A couple of months ago DH and I doing the deed. After I left the room to find my 4yo DD standing just outside the door. She looked up at me and said 'why were you jumping on the bed?' Lol

 The summer after we married DH and I went camping with a group of friends. We were the only married ones without kids with us, so we took advantage and snuck off to do the deed every chance we could. One of the evenings we went to the showers to 'freshen up'. He checked out the men's shower, and it was empty, and he gave me the all clear. So afterwards we were making a break for the door, and right as we got to it some older guy came strolling in. As soon as he saw me ducking behind DH he started chuckling. As he stepped aside to let us leave he clapped DH on the back and said 'Gotta get it in when you can fit it in, eh?' I was mortified, but DH laughed the whole way back to our campsite. The phrase has become our motto. Lol

 We were getting ready to doing the deed and having a great time of it too.  Unfortunately his bedroom door opened out onto the building's common hallway and all his friends used it to just come in.  No big deal we just turned the lock.  Well, we learned the lock was broken when his best friend pushed in the door just as BF unhooked my bra.  I turned about ten shades of red and got my top back on in record time.
I'm an avid reader (or I used to be, when I had more than 2 minutes of spare time a day), and I had a bookcase headboard. I was re-reading Stephen King's "The Dark Tower" - 845 pages, hardcover, door-stopper type book. Back when we were kinda-sorta dating, DH and I were doing the deed and things got a bit, um, vigorous. "The Dark Tower" crashed down on my face. I got hit full-on across my right eye and nose. then when I jerked my head to the side I turned right into the corner of the book. Half my face was black and blue, my eye was swollen shut, and I had a 2" cut through my eyebrow.

 I had to have an argument with my HS BF about where a woman's clitoris is. He seriously had no clue why I kept trying to get him to touch it during sex or oral. I seriously finally just told him "Look! I HAVE one! I think I would know better than you where it is!" he still tried telling me I was wrong or, later, that I was deformed. Yeah, that didn't last long. Lol I feel for the woman he married if he didn't figure that one out by then! Lol

 Two weeks ago we were doing the deed doggy style. I like it rough ;). So anyway, we are going at it, and we all know when you're super wet and go from that angle it's like a suction cup... So after I turned around and opened my legs for him to go down.. And I let out three long loud queefs.. Yes, that loud. In my husbands face.. it doesn't end there though.... My dad lives with us. His room is on the same
floor, and he picked that time to be coming back up the stairs. He told my husband he was going to buy him some gas-x and told me he feels sorry for me having to sleep next to a guy farting like that.. Awkward..

The other day my SO and I were doing the deed he was on top and I farted so loud. I was really embarrassed and he was just laughing. I blamed it on pregnancy lol. I apologized for ruining the mood and he was like do you wanna continue and I was like sure why not! Lol.

Another time I was giving a guy a blow job and he was rather large and I would deep throat him as long as I didn't do it for a long time my gag reflex was good. Well he was holding onto my head and I couldn't stop before I threw up a little on him. I was mortified but he was totally cool with it and apologized to me for not letting my head up. 

One time, we were up at my brother-in-laws house, house sitting.  We decided to defile all the rooms in the house.  We start in the living room.  DH is giving me oral, I'm sitting on the couch, my feet are in the air, and I let out a HUGE fart, right in his face.  I said sorry, he looks up, says no prob and keeps on going.  We enjoyed defiling the rest of the house.

We were living in an apartment with a roommate (still dating at the time).  We had been informed that we were being too loud and that our roommate had purchased ear plugs to drown out the sound.  Hahaha.  We were doing the deed and all of a sudden, the bed collapses below us.  WE BROKE THE BED FRAME!  We were laughing so hard.  The next morning, our roommate said he heard a loud thud and was wondering what happened.  My DH was so proud that we broke the bed he told him exactly what happened.  He moved out the next month :-)

 We had lunch and then we doing the deed. I sat up afterwards and started to cough and well I ended up puking right there in the bed. Luckily I had a towel near by and helped clean up some. It was so gross and embarrassing. Now I have more laundry to do. That has never happened to me before. I'm thinking it was just to much movement after lunch lol.

 DH and I were newly weds getting a little over excited and experimenting a little. He bit my inner arm and left bruises, but I didn't know this until we were visiting friends and the guy asked about my bruises! Luckily they are good friends and not easily embarrassed. But I certainly was, I wore long sleeves til the bruises disappeared.

 When my DH and I were still dating, I thought I would surprise him for his birthday. I lit candles and bought some handcuffs. I handcuffed him to the bed and we were getting busy. then I knocked a candle over and lit part of the carpet on fire! All he could do was just lay there while I put the fire out. lol

 When DF & I first started dating we were laying on my moms couch watching a movie & got bored so we decided to do the deed because my mom wasn't supposed to be home for another 2 hours. Well, we started getting into it & I was on top & my mother comes storming through the door. I literally flew off of DF, slid over the coffee table & ended up landing on my ass on the other side of the room. My mom immediately turned around & waited outside for us to put our clothes on & a couple minutes later she knocks on the door & asks if it's safe to enter. I was so mortified!

I have a story that takes the cake. There's this running joke with my best friend, her DH, my DH, and me.
My bff and her DH were doing the deed and apparently she was on top. He hit a spot and she pooped on him. They were so worried that something was wrong with her they called DH and I to ask. We laughed so hard and now when someone does something funny we say u pooped on me.

OK my husband would kill me if he knew i was posting this, this has been a sensitive subject for him....we got our now cat about 6 years ago, as a kitty she loved to play and attack everything that moved,,,, one night we were doing the deed my husband was on top.. all of a sudden he flies off of me screaming, now my husband isn't small, he is 6foot 6inches and built like a line backer and he let out the most awkward squeal.. turns out our kitty must have like seeing his balls swinging back in forth and decided to attack them!! clawed him right in the nuts! the cat has been on his shit list ever since, he wont even make eye contact with her lol...

Well this is a funny little story about mine and DH's old roommates. We used to live in a 2 bedroom apartment with this guy we went to high school with. At one point his girlfriend moved in and they were always having sex. Their room was right next to ours and we could always hear our roommates girlfriend saying, "Matt!!! That was one minute!!" Lol. Every time. And then her nick name for him was " one minute Matt." She even called him that in front of all his friends. She was a bitch but it was still funny. Lol

When DF & I first started dating, we were at my cousins house drinking with my cousin & her BF (Who was very close with my DF, they call each other 'brother'). Well, my younger cousin was gone at a party & wasn't coming home, so she said we could sleep in her room as long as we didn't have sex. So, my cousin, her BF, DF & I were all in my younger cousins room drunk playing her ps2 & sucking horribly - so my cousin & her BF go out to get something, & DF & I get bored so we start making out. We're really drunk, so we have that 'fuck it' thought process - so we decide to do the deed on my cousins bed. Well - a little after we're done, my cousin comes in with a big old smile on her face & says "you're lucky mom (my aunt) hasn't come home yet, because y'all were loud as hell!". I was so embarrassed that they had heard, but that didn't stop us from doing it 2 more times that night.  Here's the good part, the next day I get a call from my younger cousin saying she found my shirt in her room, but she's gonna wash it for me before she gives it back because she thinks she spilled something on it because it was sticky...we had used it as a rag. Once I got off the phone I told DF & we were both rolling laughing. Even better...a couple weeks after that my cousin told her we did the deed in her bed, & she calls me freaking out because she realized she'd touched our sex rag & DF's juices!

 DH and I broke our bed. We have a king sized bed. One night we were being really active when we heard a loud crack and the center of our bed dropped, with us on it. We were so into DTD that we finished before we checked to see what the damage was. We managed to break all five of the bed slats and had to sleep on the bed with the mattress sloping to a deep rut in the center for three weeks while waiting for a set of special order, stainless steel bed slats to come in. Five broken bed slats were on our curb for trash pick-up for all the neighbors to see.

The first time DH and I did the deed or at least tried he was so drunk that I was on top and enjoying the rubbing when he says honey it's not gonna get hard LOL 

After my youngest was born I was cursed with horrible horrible gas. While doing the deed I tried so hard not to fart but I couldn't hold it and I swear it sounded so loud and lasted forever LOL all I could do was laugh!

When I was pregnant with my last child I was giving DH a blow job in the shower and totally threw up all over his penis! I said oops and we went in the bedroom and finished!

Once my now 8 year old walked in on us luckily DH was fully covered!! She was about 6 when that happened. All I could do was laugh! 

Last weekend we were moving rooms and my husband our good friend and neighbor were taking our bed apart, well when they were taking it downstairs he passes me and my mom and says "damn woman (term of endearment for me) you gotta stop banging so hard you're a wild animal and are breaking out bed...I shouted back he's always on top had to be him. I was still embarrassed. Right before that my mom found my bob aka dildo. :/ double embarrassment!!
 I have a pretty twisted sense of humor sometimes and so did my ex bf. We often made jokes about different strange sexual acts and threaten to do then unannounced to each other. One of these was called "the angry pirate".  The angry pirate is when the man purposely cums in your eye then quickly kicks you in the shin. Thus, leaving you hopping around on one leg covering one eye and obviously angry.  So one night we were having sex. He was on top and it was pitch dark in the room. He pulled out and since he couldn't see, ended up getting it straight in my eye. All I could do is hold my eye, curl into a ball and scream "please don't kick me in the shin!" -- I don't think either of us stopped laughing for a long long time. He just didn't see where he was aiming and had no intention of actually pulling an angry pirate on me.
We went on vacation last summer and stayed with my aunt and uncle...we were going crazy not being able to have sex so we finally started to do it in the shower then went into the room and did everything as fast as possible. Then the next night after everyone was in bed and asleep I snuck down stairs to where he was sleeping (it was to hot to sleep up stairs w us) and he had amazing sex!! I don't think anyone ever knew lol.

This pregnancy since entering my second trimester I've had a huge increase in sex drive!!!! All I want is to is jump my husbands boner! LOL yesterday I was so looking forward to having hot sex...I had heart burn from hell followed with some serious amount of nausea! Here's hoping I do better today :-)
 my mom was staying a few days with us and one morning looks at me and ask what type of gun Justin has...I thought weird question out of blue mom..why??? She said well I see that bottle of "Gun oil" on his night stand I can barely control my laughter because that's one of the best sex lubes on the market and we my mom was now holding the bottle....eweeeeee as I lmao
 DH and I were having sex last week --- he was playing w my boobs and sucked on one and I leaked  - he stopped and said - what was that - then we both started cracking up - at least he said it did not taste that bad!

when me and SO lived in a small room of his mothers house, we did the deed and he used a shirt to wipe himself off since the bathroom was taken. so he throws the shirt in the closet ( also the washer was taken) and we would wash it later that night. well, we also were playing guitar hero a lot. we had two guitars. one in the closet, and one hooked up to the xbox. his brother walks in later to play with us. he grabs the other guitar out of the closet. he asks my SO why its sticky and wet in this one spot, and we couldn't tell him why (take a guess what landed on it). he still to this day doesn't know that he touched my so's jizz. now me and so have an inside joke about jizzing on the guitar.

Before DH and I got married, he invited me to go camping with him and his family. I, of course, was trying to be on my best behavior and he, of course, spent the whole time trying to get me to have sex. Well, I finally caved and we did the deed in a coed shower while everyone else went out to the nearest convenience store for some booze. It was amazing, raunchy, and loud, and I had no shame at all... Until we stepped out, and there was DHs mom and sister WAITING right outside for us to finish... Mortifying. Lol

There was also a time early in our relationship when I forgot to take out a tampon before shower sex and DH had to help me dig it out. :/ It was seriously flattened like a pancake lol

Shortly after Hubby and I started dating, we both got off work early and decided to go to my house for a little fun. He's behind me and I guess we were very into it, because he put my head through the wall about 2 inches from the window frame.The best part? He did it AGAIN a couple years later. I now can't have sex in that position without freaking out if I'm anywhere near a wall. That's not awkward at all.

 I was giving an ex a Blow Job. He came, I sneezed. Shat his load out my nose. Hurt so bad I thought I was going blind! Asshole was flapping around on the floor Laughing, and a week later I got a sinus infection, where I had to admit to the doc what had happened because I thought I got an STD up my nose and was gonna die a horrible brain eating amoeba style death.

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