Wednesday, July 24, 2013

My *TMI* Freak Out

This is TMI but I don't know how else to explain what recently happened.

I got home after not seeing my DF for 4 days :( No hug not glad to see you no touching kissing. NOTHING. I attempted to get intimate and he shut it down. (ie too tired just don't wanna) My heart broke some. a few days later I came home from work and we were talking and he went to look something up on the Ipad and I noticed porn was the last thing he watched... I asked him if he had handled his business... He said yes.

It was my breaking point. I went and took a shower I just felt so Dirty. I also sat down and decided to write in my journal exactly how I was feeling.

Journal ~
I feel so hurt, lost. I am sure he finds me unattractive now. I hate myself! I hate being FAT. I bet it wont be long before he leaves because I am so fat and ugly. I hate who I am. I  am worthless and UGLY.

It is hard to believe he finds me attractive at all. He NEVER tells me I am any sort of attractive. It really hurts my feelings that he would rather jerk it than to have sex with me. I just want to DIE! I want to be alone I am done trying to look and or smell pretty any more. I just want it to be me an DD again.

My heart hurts so much right now I feel like I am splitting in two.I don't want to be touched ever again. I am done! DS is my last child. I am just so fed up I can't handle it any more.

DF has stopped touching me, holding my hand and randomly kissing me. I just can't do it any more. I hate myself I should let him find a skinny girl he can love. I don't want to keep him away from what can make him happy any more. Maybe one day I will not be such a failure.

My heart is killing me. Its come to make me physically ill. I hate this why wont the feeling of being a failure go away? What am I going to do now? I am too emotional to sleep. I am so tired of being and feeling REJECTED! I feel like I don't matter. I miss not hurting. ~End Journal~

Well I wrote all this down and eventually he read it all and Apologized over and over again. Sometime after he read this journal I wrote in he pulled me close to him and told me over and over again I was his world and I was the only woman he saw as beautiful any more. AND once I had calmed down enough to be able to breath again... we eventually made umm Noises! lol I know nothing gets fixed over night but I still feel it has helped our relationship.

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