Sunday, August 4, 2013

Baby Story # 1


Mommy's Lil Goblin was discovered!

 To Sperm Donor:
I wanted to write you and tell you that I know things are weird but I am doing as you asked and not telling anyone you are the father. We did agree we would still be friends and the last time I checked you were my best friend, so in being my best friend that means that you are going to hear about my child. We agreed he/she would be mine and I am a very excited mommy so I want to share the things that are happening with my child and myself to my best friend which is you. So I need you to be able to hear about my child as if it wasn't yours because the last time I checked you said it wasn't. So it is very hard for me to say this to you but I feel I need to. I need to be able to talk to you as a friend about my child with out worrying whether or not your gonna be mad thinking I'm trying to keep you involved. I just need you to be a supportive friend. this kills me but I feel I have to say this and get it off my chest because I need to have supportive friends. I want you to be my best friend and understand that I need to be able to share things with my best friend and that you will listen, smile, and nod like a best friend should.
Always~ Me

 TO Sperm Donor:
I know that these last few months have been really hard on you... I have kept you in my daily prayers.*(lots of deaths in his family)* But right now I need you. You have become one of the only friends I have... I prayed and Prayed about moving to live with my parents and I thought that's where God wanted me to be..But every thing is falling apart...There is not a place for me up there and I am quickly losing hope...Every time I think it might happen another door gets slammed shut so to speak.*(knew I was going to be homeless soon)* My Aunt wont do much to help me... She isn't exactly refusing to help but every time I mention going to apply for Medicaid and WIC and other things to help me like getting to a Doctor so I can be checked out to make sure my baby is fine she finds some reason or excuse not to do it...*(I was jobless)* I am nervous and scared about doing this all on my own. I believe I can do it but I'm still scared...I know a lot of my emotions right now are because of the pregnancy.. And I am sorry to be dumping this all on you but your the only one I feel I can talk to besides God... And I just realized that I want to have a Priesthood blessing done before the baby comes...and It would mean the world to me if somehow you could be the one to preform it...*(Was relying on and trusting in God at the time and knew LDS is where he wanted me at this time in my life)* Actually You and Blair and who ever his new travel buddy is. You are a much needed friend right now... and I am so so so sorry that I am laying all these things at your door.
From Sperm Donor:  
 Its fine but there aint much i can do im kinda stuck myself and Aurora don't lose hope there better things out there and remember what i told you about being the glue that holds things together... Also you say you are praying are you giving God time to talk to you? Read your scriptures everyday thats what ive been doing God will talk to you and let you know whats going on and what you are to do and another thing just because i dont talk to you everyday doesnt mean im not here we both have our problems and we are here for each other and so is God submit to his will and dont fight him and everything will turn out fine i promise..
To Sperm Donor:
 It's so hard not being able to freely text you for fear you will hate me any more than you already do. I have 2 things to tell you. to day I heard our baby's heart beat it is strong healthy 128 beats per minute. IT WAS AMAZING. I only wish you could have been here with me. and second I have a cyst on my brain and I'm so scared. I KNOW it seems like nothing because I am always scared. I'm so sorry SD. I have been told by several people that I should give up hope of talking with you again but I don't think any one will ever know how much it hurts me to know that I made you hate me. I'LL forever be sorry that I've created an enemy from the one person who brought light in to my little world. after this I'll not message or text you again. until the time comes for the custody paper work. AFTER this it will be up to you to contact me. I hope you will one day forgive me.

 From SD:
leave my parents alone they have enough one there plate trying to fix things in their marriage and my mom bouncing in and out of the hospital give it time and I'll talk to you right now I don't want to instead of being patient you go against my wish and make it worse. Aurora your my friend and I care about you but why do I want to talk to someone who want listen to me and every time I say something she goes against my wishes... would you want to be around me if you asked me not to do something and I said OK then did it anyway? be patient and let things work itself out. remember what I told you about telling my parents its the worse thing you can do because the way I feel after everything isn't nice and I don't feel generous. so chill.

 To SD:
 let me tell you how I feel right now. ITS been almost 2 months and I hate myself. I AM 5 months pregnant I've lost all of my friends I've lost my home my church I am in a new state alone trying to deal with the fact that I am alone. I have no one to talk to about the things that are scaring the life out of me. and the one person who I was counting on gets angry because I slipped up and did something stupid. my emotions are out of whack and I'm tired of trying to do it alone. you've been mad at me for so long. I feel abandoned. I can't explain to you what I'm going through. AND I can't expect you understand. I'm sorry I ever got you in to any of this. I don't know what to say. except I never told your mom. I simply asked questions to satisfy questions I had. I was not thinking when I did it. I made yet another mistake. I'll just stay away from all of you from now on. 
so I'm going to be a single mom and I just found out my LDS ex told every one that he got drunk and helped make this Beautiful Baby... he has gone to all of my friends in the Mormon Church where I was going in FL, and basically told them every thing was my fault... he wants NOTHING to do with either of us... and he's making it out like I asked him to stay away... its just killing me a little bit inside that he is putting on a face for the LDS Church and being the complete opposite with me... :(

There is more I just can't post any more tonight. I have no feelings for him but my hormones are making me cry and I just can't stand it...

From SD:
 So here's kinda whats going on we need to know of the baby is mine or not because the way its been explained to me I can't sign over any rights unless we know its mine. Then we go from there. I talked to the Bishop tonight and told him that i relapsed and got drunk and that's when it happened. So just tell me whats you know? don't put my name on anything just say you don't know who the father is and play that card. But if something happens they can run a blood test and I can do something. Say something like huh I change my mind or something happens *(to me)* and she can live with me all we need to do is a blood test.*(Over my dead body my mom would have full custody and the right to disappear like the fucking wind)*

To SD:
OK if something happens to me my mom is supposed to contact you so are you planning on being in her life then? I don't want her yanked from the only family she'll have ever known just because her mommy died you know. I would want her to know the people she'll be living with I want her to be comfortable with the people she is around. If she's not going to know you or your family I don't want her there I want her to stay with my mom. And until she knows who you are I don't want her to just be plopped in a new home. you know?

From SD:
yeah well she'll no me but not as dad remember what we talked about

To SD:
I'm not planning on dying any time soon. k I'm just a little worried. i want you in her life only if you want to be here. this is so not coming out how i want it to.

i remember. *( I remember a lot of things)*

 Month later ~
SD ~ ready for a bombshell................ I'm about to re date Ex-Girlfriend *(before me)*
Me ~ yeah i figured good luck. as long as your happy SD its what counts.
SD ~ thanks lol how did you figure?
Me ~ you added her to your friends list commented on her picture... things like that
SD ~ yeah we are taking it slow she has a lot to make up for but who knows
Me ~  i understand... i hope you don't let her hurt you again.
SD ~ i prayed about it
Me ~ I'm done praying about things
SD ~ why?
Me ~ because every time i pray or open a holy book its talking about fathers being fathers... and i don't want to hear it any more... I'm just tired and i in need of a break.
SD ~ oh. then take a break. I'm sorry if you're sad
ME ~  I'm going to I'm gonna be the me before i "met" you again... think maybe i just need to do stupid crazy things...
SD ~   ?
Me ~  i am sad but its OK i just wish you would want to be a part of her life as daddy cause i know how much i love having mine... I'm getting all emotional right now because I've only got about a month before she is here...
SD ~  Aurora what do you want from me i said i would be your friend i am here i would be but a father i can not be i don't have the power to be ill be her friend she can call me what she wants but i cant be a dad
Me ~  its OK i understand... i was hoping that maybe you might change your mind... you didn't so its OK
SD ~ Aurora give it time right now my world has just been rocked and i don't know what the fuck to do. you know i spent the whole night the other night crying
Me ~ your whole world just got rocked... and no i didn't know you spent the whole night crying...BECAUSE you have stopped talking to me. you rarely ever messaged me unless you were mad or i had a freak attack of emotion and messaged you. I MISS YOU. I MISS TALKING TO YOU LIKE WE DID IN FEB AND MARCH BEFORE WE HAD SEX.
SD ~  then we will talk more i don't have phone i use my dads I'm on here and you are not if you want me to talk to you i will but i don't know what to say
Me ~   i wanted you to tell me things any thing how you were feeling what the heck is going on in your life any thing... the kinds of things friends talk about... every thing...
SD ~ OK so Ex is back and I'm freaking out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ME ~  wanna tell me how in the hell you started talking to her again? *( from what he told me she was the reason he almost killed himself.)* *(stupid me still cared)* *(I blame pregnancy hormones for amplifying the BS)*
SD ~ well this chick added me and started asking me question about the church and we kind started with personal stuff and then she said that i needed to see something and she sent me and email with a convo between her and EX and i said fuck if she wants to talk to me this bad ill see what the fuck she has to say...... I was fucking mad
Me ~...oh
SD ~  yeah remember how many times I've asked her to leave me alone
Me ~  yeah i know...
SD ~   OK so i start talking to her and 6 hours later I'm still talking to her and she is sorry
Me ~ ... Are you happy ?
SD ~  yes but i scared as hell
Me ~...well I hope every thing works out for you in the end...
SD ~ thank you.... i tried so hard to fight it but i couldn't Aurora she does something to me
Me ~ Yeah i really do understand... When i went to PC to find out if i was pregnant... I Just know exactly how you feel... its the kind of love you fight for over and over again no matter how many times you know your going to get hurt...
SD ~  yeah
Me ~... idk what to say except these last few months have felt like good bye ...
SD ~  whys that?
Me ~ because it seemed and still does feel like every time i talk to you, you cant or couldn't wait to not talk to me... every time i bring up the Baby you change the subject or get super distant...
SD ~  you know why i feel so weird about it
Me ~ ??? explain to me
SD ~  i feel like I'm going to get in the way my bad habits are going to be picked up. I want to be away for you and the baby's sake. You remember a while back i told you how i felt like there was a mean side of me? Well he keeps popping out and I think Ex is the key and if it is it will be better for everyone in the end. I want to eventually be in the baby's life but i want to do it on my terms and time please
Me ~  the only way you could be IN THE WAY is if you tried to take her away from me... and i don't care about your mean streak SD. I have one too and Its hard to keep that side of me locked up but I'm doing a good job because your important to me and Baby...
SD ~  that's not going to happen because your happy and she is what you wanted and I'm trying but this year has sucked so much dick and i feel like everything is turning around
Me ~  turning around for the better or worse? because mine was going great and then it turned in a matter of one month... to my own personal hell... i am not as happy as i put on fb...
SD ~  for the better lol i don't think it could of got much worse lol and it will Aurora lol you get that time next month that will make it a world of difference

about a month or two later... 
SD ~ Lol you have my new number? and has Ex talked to you yet?
Me ~  yes i do and no not yet... why would she?
SD ~   Because shes knocking some damn sense into me lol and she wants to talk to you she seems excited about the baby
Me ~ oh...

*(After this conversation he and Ex (whom I get along with well and always have) would call and talk about him being there to support baby and I emotionally...)* 


*( Lots of drama here p/a comments about me.. at one point he told me to tell the hospital and health department I was raped and that I was going to be a worthless mother. Also made comments and suggestions that his parents were going to come and kidnap my child and disappear)*

Day I had my DD 02/01/11
Its still a shock lol and each time it hits me I start to cry lol my heart is happy but my mind is still getting used to it... I'm a Mommy... wow I keep jumping every time the door opens... It feels like a GOOD dream that I'm about to get woke up from... These are the happiest moments of my entire life.

~ Journal Entries ~
December ~ 2010
It is early in the morning and I am sitting here crying my eyes out. I miss SD. *(Had not talked to him since august)* I just feel so utterly alone up here. Can't honestly think of 1 friend that's never left my side ever! Over several periods of time there were different friends. It just sucks! *( was feeling very lonely because I didn't know any one around and had not been able to make any friends)*

January ~ 2011
Wow only 32 days to go! SD decided to call me today... Why because he suddenly wants to be a Daddy! How fucking random... and its all because of Ex! So because Ex wants him to be daddy he is gonna? Fuck that he doesn't want to be in Baby's life he wants to provide Ex with MY child so she can play mommy... Ha Ha Ha Over my cold dead bloody body! 

December ~ 2011
Have not had any contact with SD since Feb. when DD was born. He has not seen her. Has not talked to her held her. Nothing. I applied for cash assistance from the state... They want all the info I can give them about SD so they can pursue CS. I gave them every thing I could. screw him and his lying ass. I am so glad he has dropped of the face of the earth to me.

August 5, 2013 ~
It is 3 days until his 26th birthday. I have not seen him since 2010 in June. I have not talked to him since December 2011. I have since had amazing strides. I am off cash assistance, have been for quite a while. I was working for WM. Met an amazing man who is every thing I could ever ask for an so much more. (even when we fight or I am being a hormonal raging bitch). He is my night in White. (literally lol Navy guys are hot)! I have my DD and we have a DS on the way. I am due to be married in Sept. on our 1 year anniversary  and Baby Boy is due Nov. 16th! lol

I just have to say. Typing all this out and looking at it I will never regret my past. I am so lucky to be where I am. I will never look back again, Never feel as inadequate as I did. I am loved. I am Beautiful and I am Happy.

I have quit talking to them all! lol Blocked and deleted. For a while yes I did have that hope that he would come around. (damn Unicorns are hard to kill) lol ... I lost hope VERY Quickly! 

Took that damn Unicorn out back and dismembered and burned that bitch so she would Never Ever come back!

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