Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Family Tantrums and My Response

So what do you do when you piss off your family?

How about a little story about DF and I pissing off his family.

We decided on a small list of people to invite to the hospital. This list is strictly for those most important to DF and I.

The list is as follows.

My list
  1. My Parents and Brother
  2. My Aunt (+2) 
His list
  1. His Mom (FMIL)
  2. His Dad (FFIL)
  3. His Mom's parents
  4. His Dad's parents
  5. His Ex-Step-Mom (ESM)
His Mom did not take too kindly to finding out He/We had invited his ESM to the hospital to meet our LO.
In a way the conversation kinda went like so.


FMIL- Did you invite Ex-SM to the hospital?

Me- I believe DF did.

FMIL- Ok I'm out... Good luck   His dad's out too, my mom too

Me-  I'm sorry to hear that.

The above is what was posted but, this is essentially what I read...

What the hell are you thinking? Why on earth would you think you can invite whomever you want to the hospital to meet your baby? Just because you're giving birth doesn't give you the right to invite people you want to see. Your birthing experience is not about you or DF.

It is very hard for me to believe that people can not set aside their hate/dislike for ESM to share in the joy and love for our LO.

DF is a grown man he can invite whom ever he wants to the Hospital to see HIS SON!
Its honestly just the way I feel about it. Hell He is LUCKY I am even allowing visitors at all.
I have already told DF that Him being there is also OPTIONAL. I told DF that if any one starts trouble people will be told to leave...TOLD not asked.

 It is comical to me that FMIL is acting this way. I just have to remind DF and myself that.... 
We are welcome to invite anyone we want to come.  They are also entitled to decide to not come for a lame reason. We don't have to solve their tantrum.

That is exactly what it is a damn Tantrum! This reminds me of kids when they throw a tantrum. "Fine, if you won't let me get my way I'm going to my room and staying there".  They just need to be reminded that they aren't punishing us at all and they are the ones suffering alone in their room while enjoy the peace.

They are losing out on meeting our LO at the hospital that is completely their choice. It is also one they will have to live with for ever because LO will not be in the hospital for ever. 

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Grow Your Own Spine.


From a friend Carolyn1205 these are her words and a few added others.
OK, I have been in here long enough to learn that there are some very important "lessons" people need to learn in Dealing with both of your families(his and hers). I do not claim to know-it-all but I do find myself often repeating these things to myself and on posts often enough to feel comfortable writing them out.  Please, feel free to add or edit points, expand on those mentioned below, and add lessons of your own to help teach people who want to know how to grow a spine.  
Lesson 1: Move out.  Living with In Laws or Family of Origin (ILs or FOO) makes it practically impossible to grow or have your own spine.  If you are living in their home they will hold it over your head.  Also, they feel it is their home so they are justified to tell you how things are to be done in it.

Lesson 2: You MUST learn that "No" is a complete sentence.  Do not give in to the temptation to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain) your reasoning.  If you try to JADE the other people will more than likely take that as the subject is open for discussion and continue to push for their desired conclusion.

Lesson 3: STOP THE INFO TRAIN!  Period.  Do not give people more information than you want them to have.  If you do not want people to know you are going to the doctor don't tell them because they will pester you for details of the visit or may even show up uninvited.  If you don't want people to know the sex or name of your unborn baby, don't tell them.  People feel entitled to information if you share anything with them and will pursue you or your DH like a dog on a bone to get more details. This includes LABOR!! If you are in labor and do NOT want people there don't call them or anyone until you are ready for visitors or callers.  Just wait until everyone has had rest.


  
    Sub Lesson A: "Turn it off". What ever it is that your family or friends are using to contact you with unwanted questions or advice, Shut It Off! the ringer on your phone, the doorbell, Facebook, E-Mail.  Just because it rings don't mean you have to answer. Just because it is there for you to read does not mean you have to respond at all. BH ~ It means to send it to the BLACK HOLE of your mind where you don't think about it. It does not deserve a response from you or your DH at all.


Lesson 4: Understand that "respecting your elders" does NOT mean being a doormat.  How does laying down and being taken advantage of, manipulated, or just fucked around with show respect?  Do you really think that the person you are allowing to treat you like crap respects you for allowing them to have their way?  Respect is earned and if the person in question doesn't deserve to be respected for any reason other than the fact they are older or are the parent of someone...that person will continue to push at and needle those around them to get their way because no one stands up to them.

     Sub Lesson B: "Keeping the peace".  In keeping the peace one becomes a doormat.  Giving up your right to have a voice in things means you are agreeing that you do not have a say in anything in your own family and that others can do as they want because you won't say or do anything.  

      Sub Lesson C: "Keep it to your self". Do  not complain about your spouse or significant other to your family.  It will only serve to alienate their relationship with him/her and eventually it WILL cause problems.  If you have to vent about DuH, do it privately in an online group , or to friends you don't plan on having around forever. 

Lesson 5: Grandparents are NOT necessary to raise healthy, happy children no matter what people tell you.  Consider all the LO's whose grandparents have passed away.  They can and most often do lead healthy, happy, and productive lives.  Also, consider if the grandparent in question is a healthy addition to the LO's life or if they can potentially do emotional or physical damage through their actions.  Is it worth it to risk your LO's emotional or physical well-being because "it's faaaaaaammilyyyy"?

     Sub Lesson D: "Grandparent Rights" are often a threat desperate people will throw out there when they realize they can no longer manipulate or control the parents to said grandchild.  Read up on your states laws regarding GP rights so you can feel more comfortable as to whether this is an empty threat or they may actually have a valid claim.  Most often, 1 parent has to be gone or the parents have to be divorced and the grandparent has to prove the child suffers from not having their grandparent in their life.  However, like I said, read up on the laws in your state to clarify.

Lesson 6: Learn the signs of a DuH.  If your husband regularly asks you to "keep the peace" or says things like "that's just the way she/he/they is/are", "you took what was said out of context", "but it's family, you have to make exceptions for family", or "you are being too sensitive" you have a DuH.  Also, if your husband talks your IL's when you and he get into arguments, talks to your IL's multiple times a day, or makes multiple trips to your IL's a week, you may have a DuH.  Get counseling immediately!  Your husband is putting other people before you and your feelings and that is not the sign of a supportive husband.

Lesson 7: Have your husband "handle" his family and you "handle" yours.  If there is an issue between your DH and your FOO it is appropriate to show your solidarity with your husband and defend him from attacks.  It is equally important that your DH do the same for you.  If your MIL attacks you verbally, your DH needs to defend you or at the very least gather you and your LO's together and leave the area immediately.  If he doesn't show your IL's that YOU are his family now and he CHOSE YOU he is allowing them to hurt you and is not showing that he values you or your marriage.  GET COUNSELING!!!  No matter HOW yours or DH's family treats the other, they don't get a pass because they are family. They should be MORE respectful...not less. Abuse in any form is NOT to be tolerated from anyone. You have the RIGHT and RESPONSIBILITY to stop it by stopping contact. No guilt is on you for protecting yourself from harm. **If your DUH or DuW won't handle his or her family, stand up for yourself. If your DUH won't stand up to Mommy.  Be a woman...handle it yourself.**

Lesson 8: If you and DH have made a parenting decision and advised IL's or FOO of it and they begin to argue or try to "bend the rules" or use that horrible statement "what happens @____'s stays @ _____'s" you and your DH need to be united in confronting the offending party.  These decisions are made for the safety of the LO (food or environmental allergies, giving babies water, or smoking around the LO) and are not open for discussion.  If someone breaks a rule, they should NOT be allowed unsupervised time with LO again until they have proven they understand what they did was wrong and will respect the parents decisions for LO from then on.

     Sub Lesson E: Parenting decisions are non-negotiable.  If you and your DH do not agree on something that is to be addressed away from others and you must always present a united front.  If people who break safety rules sense any dissension amongst you, they will continue to do as they please because someone is not committed to the rules. REMEMBER :: Your kid, your rules.  Nobody else gets a vote. Not your parents.  Not your spouse's parents.  Not your sister, cousin, coworker, best friend, or anybody else.  You are not co-parenting with anybody.

    Sub Lesson F:  NEVER engage any of the family in sit down talks, discussions, pow-wows, or come to Jesus talks on their terms ... ie. we need to talk about how much us IL or FOO hates you and what you do. You are grown adults who do not need your "extended families" telling you how to live your life. They DO NOT get to decide or make decisions for you.

Lesson 9: Learn what a TRUE apology consists of and accept nothing less.  If someone tries to say "Sorry" they are not accepting ownership for their part in the situation and if they say "it wasn't meant that way" or "I am sorry you took it that way" it is not sincere and you do not need to accept it.  An apology consists of the apology, describing the issue they are apologizing for, and telling you what they will do to prevent it from happening again.  If someone calls you a bitch because you told them they couldn't do something with your LO their apology should sound similar to: "I am sorry I called you a bitch when you told me I could not do that with LO.  I was wrong to allow my anger or frustration to get the best of me and I will do my best not allow that to happen again."  It would be nice to have "I hope you can forgive me" added but is not necessary as it may sound too desperate or even sarcastic.

Lesson 10: You must learn that you cannot tell others what to do in their own home.  If they smoke in their home and you do not want your LO around smoke, you have the right to not go over there.  If they are very dirty and have animal urine and feces all over the place, you do not need to bring your LO there.  You also do not need to JADE.  If they question why you will not go there tell them that because you respect their decision to smoke/have animals you would not dream of asking them to stop.  However, you have made the decision to not expose your LO to those conditions out of concern for their safety and you would expect to be respected in return.  (Comments like this make them look like completely narcissistic asses to the world if they argue for expecting you to put your LO's safety behind their habit.)  Offer to meet them somewhere neutral or invite them to your home if you are comfortable doing so to help appease their desire to see your family.  Lather, rinse, and repeat as the person may attempt to change your mind multiple times and may send FM's after you as well.
    Sub Lesson G: "Your Home is YOUR SAFE PLACE". No one should ever be able to just walk in. Start by locking the doors. If your doors are not locked that invites not only "Extended Family" to just walk in but also STRANGERS.  If they have a key to your home then change the locks.  If your DuH objects to the lock changing tell him to give you an example of an emergency dire enough to need that key.
Lesson 11: Know the difference between  "core" and "extended" family. Your "CORE" family changed the minute you got married or had a child. Your "CORE" family is now your DH and children. That is it. Your parents, brothers, sisters, and all other family is now "EXTENDED".

OK, so what do you all think?  Is this helpful info to anyone else?  Is there more that needs to be said?


You're Pregnant! Not your Families.

 So Congrats you're Pregnant! This can be a great experience for you but, now you need to do some serious reading on how your going to deal with all of your families. By families I mean your family and your Significant Other's (SO) family.



How are you going to handle the information train? Who will you tell and what will you tell them? As Delivery time rolls around who is going to be in your hospital room? How will you deal with the people who want to visit? Are you planning on breast feeding? Can you do it in front of your Father In Law or your SO's Ever watchful Mother?

These are all questions a new mom should really think about because if you don't you could run in to some serious problems like the ladies in the following two links.

How will you deal with the up and coming BAT SHIT CRAZY Family members?

Below are 2 links that MIGHT help.

part 1 Delivery Room Drama

community.babycenter.com/post/a2579...

part 2 Delivery Room Drama

community.babycenter.com/post/a3181...

And then after you have read at least 1 or both of those Read the Lemon Clot Essay. Also found in this blog :-) 




Here is a list of my favorite Blog posts about pregnancy so far :-) They might be helpful to you or not either way happy reading.

 RED Flags! SHUT IT DOWN!

Entitled Grandparents and or In Laws

Gift Rules

Hospital Bag... and Meeting the Newborn

Barest Baby Needs

Thank you Poems from the Baby

Punishment... (for your kids)

(my child is 2) just a reminder :-)

When you hear the word punishment what comes to mind?

I am tired of punishing my child the way my parents punished me.

I have been working on Time Outs, Redirection, and taking away fun things.

How do I get DF on board? This is not really something we have EVER talked about.

An issue arose today and I voiced my opinion and my expectations, and reasons so to why I didn't agree with his choice of punishment.

How do you teach your children to listen to what you say and to understand that certain things are not ok?

A Visit to L&D

Yuck Spent the afternoon in Labor and Delivery. Apparently DS wants to come earlier than expected. Sorry DS Doc says its not time yet... So I got a steroid shot to stop contracting and dilating. I get to go back tomorrow for another shot.. So now that I have updated y'all I'm taking my big butt to bed. Daddy can deal with DD till Mamaw takes over.

Just to let ya know.
Doc said to rest up and drink water. I'll be here for the next 3 days Grin...
I'll be 33 weeks Friday... I am ready, DS is "ready" lol... But Safety and the Doc says we gotta wait... I'm dilated 1.30cm

 I got a shot in my ass that hurt worse than a marshmallow coming out your nose... (Yes that is extremely painful and 100x worse than soda or oj)




It's midnight 40 here... I'm cramping all in my back and hips... I'm dizzy.. Clammy (cold sweat). And **TMI**

I peed earlier and when I cleaned myself my usual slightly yellow discharge is now white and red/ pink... I took pics for my doc tomorrow... As this is new for me even though I am not a FTM.

I go back tomorrow for another shot! My back is cramping and my vulva/vagina feels like it's going to fall off!

Lol thank you for the thoughts and
prayers :-)

He better keep cooking! I don't have any preemie clothes!!! Lol
 Good lord! I'm not ready at all for this baby to be here! Lol

So I'm still in pain only now I'm clammy tired and can't sleep.

To top it all off **TMI**. I just peed and upon cleaning myself I noticed my usually normal yellow discharge is now white ish and pink/ blood colored... *eta*small pity party for me lol.


I'll be headed that way in the afternoon. Pain has finally died down.. If I am not feeling any pain in the morning I will just keep my appointment time. IF I am feeling pain again, you can bet your bum I'm out the door as soon as I can walk lol :-)

*ps* now that I am now doubled over and sleepy... I think your right about the mucus plug... I will definitely keep every one here updated as...well... I can and it's relaxing.

 Up and down since my last post and I'm not getting out of bed unless my house is on fire or I have to pee again :-)

Only a slight round ligament pain so far... We shall see :-)

I got my second round of steroids today. Yuck! was monitored for about an hour and sent home with instructions to rest...All of my whining updates last night I wrote down and showed the nurse taking care of me today. She said it was ALL because of the shot.

Now I have been trying to rest for the last week and *(this is where this turns into a bit of a rant)* I am so stressed out I could just scream!

DF DuF Has been some help. But I was so dizzy today I asked him to drive and I must admit I was being a bit of a BITCH today. Nothing he did seemed right to me. I griped about his driving, my mom, and his packing up DD too slow.

We spent the evening at my mom's house eating dinner there, and watching a movie. I was still feeling like I was contracting so I refused to move or get up at all.

DD said she had to potty... I tell DuF hey take her to the bathroom. He does but I am sensing an attitude. Well for the rest of the movie time that we were there any time I needed his help with DD he gave me a ton of BEC attitude.

Well come time to leave I asked him to pack up the 2 bags we had brought in. (he does it again with the attitude) Well he then decides he is going to walk home and I can drive (dizzy and in pain) with DD back to the house... *(I live in the same trailer park as my mom so its like a 1 minutes drive IF that)*

My mom mentions that I shouldn't be driving while dizzy and DuF just stands there like SO WHAT... I am getting upset and basically yell Just give me the DAMN keys!

Mom hands me my keys, I gather up DD and my small purse and drive to the house. By this point I am RAGING MAD, slam open the door and go inside. I snatch a diaper for DD out of the box and tell her to come on. DuF acts/makes a move like he is going to help do do something, I SNAP at him I got this!
I put DD down for bed (9:pm), an hour later than usual. I go to my room where DuF is laying down and tell him. I know I have been a Bitch today, I know your just as stressed out as I am. I just wish you would TALK to me. I then go to the bathroom and proceed to ball my eyes out because I am stressed and HURT.

He stays in bed.

I have sat here for 30 minutes crying my eyes out you all know the UGLY cry. He is still in bed...
I don't even want to be in my own home right now. I feel like I am unimportant, and not worth the trouble.
*depressing thoughts* *more tears*

 L&d again... Ugh this kid needs to take a break.

I went in last night because I had a bright pink/red "discharge"when I cleaned myself after peeing. I was starting to stress and cramp... So I went in to my local Hospital and had them check me out they transferred me to my OB-hospital 30 miles away! lol BY Ambulance! (what fun!)

Long story short I was monitored for 2 hours and sent home with instructions to rest. My back labor like contractions were inconsistent, and my cervix has not changed at all.

No oral meds yet... Got an appointment this Thursday so we'll see.

Pedophilia In My family


I have an uncle (J) who was recently released from prison. He has NEVER been apart of my life the one memory I have of him is OK. He is a registered sex offender (ages 15-17) . He called my mom tonight to talk and she opened her damn mouth and told him what I felt was too much information.

  1.  The state I live in.
  2.  about my kids (that I have a daughter 2 and a son on the way)
  3. That I am engaged. (this upset me because he started asking her questions about my DF, asking if he was into drugs and so on.)

It made me very uncomfortable. When she hung up with him she then asked me what she should say if he asked about (2 cousins whom he molested when he was 13 they were between 3-6 I can't remember)... I told her she should tell him they are fine... Bean Dip? I explained that they might not want him to know about them or their lives... Ugh I then explained that I didn't want him knowing all the crap he now knows about me... I feel violated. Is that weird?

*eta* I know my mom was just excited but DAMN! When my mom gets excited she forgets to filter her damn yap! She just starts talking and doesn't freaking stop.

I should add some bg on my mom... She was molested from the age of 7 until she was 17. I do believe mostly (99%) by her Dad. She married my dad at 17 and that's when shit stopped for her. It took her many years to over come the bs she went through. She eventually forgave my grandpa. I have always had a
relationship with my grandpa, all though I have NEVER been alone with him. The relationship I have with my grandpa is not what you would call extremely close.. In fact we only ever saw him once a year or 2.

OK. So a little bg on Uncle. From what I am to understand he supposedly molested 2 female cousins when they were young and he 13. ( now I say supposedly because well my Aunt cousins mom (crazy) is a drama queen.) neither of my cousins claim to remember any of the molestation.

He was arrested for sex with a minor (15) and lewd acts in front of a minor.( he flashed a lady and there were kids near)

My OK memory..... He was released at one point and I went with a family friend to retrieve Uncle from the bus station. I was maybe 12. (Nothing happened I was safe with family friend). Well he lasted 3 days out of jail and got him self re-arrested. Sex with a minor (17).

Since then I have had NO contact or relationship with him at all. He was released a few days ago. When he called my mom they started talking about her life. She told him she was a grandma to a 2 year old little girl .. He auto knew it would be me. He guessed and she confirmed. He asked if I was married, she said no but then told him I was engaged. He asked if I did drugs she said no, and told him I refuse to even be friends with any one who does drugs.

This was the extent of her conversation with him. I called her and explained I was upset with her. Explained why. She apologized sincerely. (She mentioned to him all her kids are with her in TN. Forgot to mention how she told him my state).

She very rarely has my DD alone. All though this past week with all my pre term labor issues she has watched DD for me to rest. She is eight times out of ten great with my boundaries. I only have to tell her once to mind her manors so to speak, and she corrects herself.

My children will never be around either of these men. I don't want to have a relationship with either man. If I were to see either of them it would only be my grandfather. If I were to see him my children would not be out of my sight. (Which might I add is the only way we were ever allowed around my Grandpa, My Dad was always in the same room as us kids.)
I have explained to my mother that I am not OK with her talking to him about me at all. I also explained that if he should ask her response should be "we're fine Bean dip?"


My mom needs to be taught how to bean dip?.
She did not offer us up to her abuser. This is not at all how I see it. We saw my grandpa once every 2-3 years and for maybe an hour at the most. We were NEVER left alone or out of the sight of my Father the entire visit.
I would not say my mom is unsafe, I would however say that she is blind to the way other people view her world.
I know that as I type this out I may get flamed pretty bad. BUT I'm going to tell you any ways.
A few months ago in March, my parents took a trip to Florida. I loaned them my van because it has more room and is better on gas. I allowed them to take my DD with them to visit extended family. I had to work a very whacked out schedule that weekend so it worked out in my favor. *I lived with my parents at the time*
So off they went to visit family. From what I remember *baby brain takes a toll today* They visited my Dad's Mom, and my mom's cousins... and my grandpa.***I had no problem with this at the time because I was not here reading and I never until yesterday saw him as a pedo.***

((Allow me to explain a little further. I was thinking about how I had always seen my grandpa as just that my grandpa. Until yesterday when I first typed this all out. Yesterday it dawned upon me that I allowed my parents to take my 2 year old DD to FLORIDA while I stayed behind in TENNESSEE.. They took her 3 freaking states away to see my Pedophile grandpa.)) Allow me to just say that I had a panic attack when I realized I allowed them to do this with my freaking permission.))

My mom and I have talked quite a bit over the last two days. I explained to her that my view of the world has severely changed. I explained to her that she needed to understand and see things from my point of view to understand how why I got so upset with her. I explained that where she sees her brother I see a pedo. Where she sees her dad and I used to see my grandpa, now I see a pedo. We talked about other things for a while so as not to harp on the subject.  

When we touched on the subject again my Mom Sincerely apologized for not understanding at first. She also apologized for volunteering information to my Uncle, and that she would not do it again.

I feel like I am missing something in this post but I can not figure it out right now... So When I do I will post again...
 
Now that I am grown and see the world through my own eyes... I agree it was completely messed up. I also agree it makes my stomach twinge to know that BEFORE I was here and had my eyes opened... I allowed my Baby Girl to be that close to danger. 

We were allowed to give him a hug. No we did not sit in his lap at any time. The hugs were no longer than a quick pat on the back.

*eta* Our "Normal Meters" are broken.

Family friend was a 6ft something US Marine *very freaking scary btw*.

As for Grandpa popping up... My Mom explained to us ALL the time *like every freaking day until I was  17ish* about what Grandpa did and that he was not safe to be around alone EVER.



I know my Mom would turn them away. We actually discussed this exact scene. LOL I explained to her and she already knows...

MY KIDS MY RULES ALWAYS.

*eta* My momma knows that if I say no the answer is no and if she breaks my rules shit gets UGLY. :-)

SO this morning at 6:30am I got a call that made me want to give up on all males in my life.
I found out that the only true Uncle I've ever known ruined any chance of ever being in my life again.
I was called and informed that he raped my 15 year old step cousin.
I am heart broken for her. I feel so horrible that she had to go through this at all.

I am emotionally drained and confused. All I can think is WTF.

  I have been around this one since I was little. This is  his first offense. He makes me sick. I'm heart broken and relieved at the same time. Heart broken that he did this, relieved that he will never have a chance to do it again.


Yes, all of the uncles and Aunts here are the children of Pedo GPA. In Fact I only have 1 Uncle (R) who Never offended. My children will never get to know him though because he hung himself. (I was told out of depression for things not related to pedo, I can't remember much I was 10ish.)

NO way in Hell will my children EVER be around these people. My mom knows they get NOTHING! If they ask questions they get the standard answer "they are fine".

Released Uncle (J) was 13 for his first offense (cousin) 19 for his second offense never charged (Aunt G), and then from what I understand he offended again (his age 19-25) His last offense was in 2001 making him 30.

My Cousin never sought help because she does not even remember any thing that happened to her she was extremely young like 4. She does not go around GPA, nor does she actively seek a relationship with him.
Aunt (A) HATES GPA. She blames any thing and every thing EVER gone wrong in her life on GPA, even when there is no relation to it or him at all. I consider myself CO from Aunt A for her own special brand of crazy.

I do realize that my mom's talking meant shit in keeping me safe, all it did was help her "heal" from her situations.

I spent 95% of yesterday pissed off for my Step Cousin. She has already been through so much in her life. This is not the first time she has had to deal with being raped. (She was in a different state when the first go round happened with someone she knew) This time (IDK what to call it) She knew my Uncle W and he used her already fragile state and need for affection against her.(((She is getting the help she needs, therapy and what ever else she may need or want)))

Just an FYI. I consider my self CO from Uncles (J) and (W), GPA, and Aunt A. 

Honestly there is so so so so much more I could post if I could remember at the moment. It is extremely hard for me to realize that ALL I knew, is FUCKED UP. That the people I grew up knowing were NOT safe at all. It seems to be a family curse on the men.

I am confused how to feel about any thing right now. I am overemotional and at this point can't stop crying. I have no clue why I am crying. I'm going to stop here for now and try to go back to sleep before my DD wakes up for the day.

 Beginning to feel like Pedophilia runs in my family

I'm FAT so I must be extra Special!

LO ~ Little One  GD ~ Gestational Diabetes  DD ~ Dear Daughter  US ~ Ultra Sound

So I am over weight, and pregnant. I know this. Apparently my Doctors office has changed the way they handle Pregnant Over weight patients. Not that I mind too much as long as Baby and I are healthy.

I now get to see my OB twice a week. I honestly do not know if they are doing this for patients who are not as far along. I guess I might have asked that question, had I thought of it then.

First appointment I will be monitored for 15 to 30 minutes (on the baby monitor), then seen by my OB for the rest of my check up.

My second appointment I will get an ultra sound to check for 4 things. They will check LO's Breathing, heart rate, Fluids around LO, and something else I honestly can not remember.

Is there any one else whose Doctors changing up the way Doctors appointments go?

*Trigger Mentioned*
My OB told me it is specifically because I am over weight.  Doc listed off a few things. He said being over weight increases the chances of **Trigger** stillborn, GD, "Bigger Babies", and extremely small babies.
I am 5'3 weighing in at 290 exactly since my appointment on the 17th.

My Ideal weight range would be 131-147 (according to those stupid online things) so doing the math I am apx. 143 lbs over weight.

I have always been a rather large lady.
I know I don't have GD. I don't know what all is going on with the office or other patients. I honestly don't care. I guess it could just be my OB that is instating the change in how they handle patients.

I was overweight with my DD 2 years ago also. They didn't change my care at all. I LOVE my OB and would recommend any pregnant mom to them.

I don't know whats up. I thought it was different and a little weird. I didn't think about the age thing either... I am 25 now. Hmm I might have some more questions for my
Doctor on my next appointment :-)

I have asked about my weight gain at a few appointments because I was a little concerned. I have gained 23 lbs my entire pregnancy. I even went for a few appointments where I had LOST weight. My OB (1 of 4 that I can see) stated that my weight gain was OK and not to worry too much about it.

 I guess I just assumed that I if was high risk my Doc would have mentioned it. I am not looking forward to Double the cervical checks. I get 1 more now than when I was just visiting once a week.

I'm not sure my Vagina can take the "Pressure". lol

 I am looking forward to the extra pics! *(HOPEFULLY)* I guess I was just curious to see if any one else has had to deal with the new/sudden change.  IDK about opting out of Cervical checks. I am already 3cm dilated and 30-60% (Two different OBs opinion on how thinned out I am) thinned out.

 After talking with my doctor during my second appointment I was informed that I would have to take the GD twice. I passed both tests... I even told my OB how I was CRAVING sweets.

I am completely comfortable with my OB. Cervical checks for me started hmmm 9/25/13. I have had one every appointment since to check for dilation and thinning.

I LOVE the idea of more pictures of my LO before birth! Never thought of it that way.

 I have never felt more comfortable with any doctor like I do with my OBs. I always feel extremely relaxed in the office and after. I believe any of my OBs could handle the craziest.  I agree with the first impression thing too.

I am planning a Vaginal if all goes well and it is medically possible. (meaning both of us will be safe).

 I never really thought about the US being inaccurate. Hmm. I now have more to think about. I don't understand much about why the OB wants me in twice a week. I honestly didn't even give it much thought until I posted here asking if any one else has had to deal with this situation.

*From a Friend*  I highly recommend this group:

https://www.facebook.com/ImprovingBirth



 I will in fact right now look into that page.

I had a vaginal birth with DD and the OBs know I plan to have a vaginal birth with DS. Its Bold and underlined in my charts :-)

Again you wonderful ladies have given me food for thought. I plan to eat up the info you have given me because, well I like to know what is going on.


I don't actually mind the extra cervical checks. Were it not for the one I had on 9/28 I would not have known I had a yeast infection or a slight bacterial infection.  I never even thought of the possibility that the extra Doctors visits could be excessive; But if there is nothing wrong with me then why add them?

I must say I do not feel discriminated against at all. My OBs do not treat me as though I am sickly, and until this last appointment every thing has been the same as it was with DD.

The biggest difference is that I had been choosing to see Dr.B (female). I totally love her bedside manner. She is amazing and gets my whack a doodle sense of humor. She left last week for a two week vacation or something. So I was scheduled to meet with Dr. L (male), I have seen him before and he is a great doctor and I feel extremely comfortable with him.

My next two appointments are with Dr. R for the monitoring days and Dr. L for the U/S days.
When I was pregnant with DD I estimate my weight to be around 217 before I knew I was pregnant. By Feb. at exactly 39 weeks I was 267 lbs. a 50lb difference. *I will add that by the time I was finally able to see an OB I was 5 months pregnant and dealing with being homeless and having a cyst at the base of my neck* **no worries about the cyst any more seems like it has always been there**

For the most part I want to say that my OBs don't bring up my weight unless I express concern. *I was concerned with gaining too much weight, seeing as how I was craving nothing but sweets and am/was already overweight* I have asked at most appointments if I am gaining or losing any weight. I am told immediately how much gain or loss compared to the last visit, and whether or not it is "safe".

I do believe I will ask my Doc if I am considered high risk just to be sure. This just started for me. There was no US since the gender/health check US. I am not sure if maybe it was a week thing I will have to ask on Monday.

I am positive they are not leaving any thing out they tell me every thing going on that I know of. I also walk my own chart back to the receptionist when I schedule my next appointment. So I have a chance to look over every thing in the chart before I give it back. I usually look at the chart every visit and if I have any questions I ask and they are answered in a timely manner.

** Friend** I took your suggestion and posted in the group you linked. Not too much has been said yet but I am keeping an eye out. I was also directed to check out wellroundedmomma.com

So far I have written down a few questions to ask the Doc before I make any decisions as far as opting out of things.
  1. Am I high risk?
  2. What is LO measuring at?
  3. Are these visits just precautionary or do they start at a certain week in my pregnancy? 
That is all I have so far if I happen to think of more or if you all suggest any more I will gladly add them to my list of curiosities.

*A list of helpful links*

 http://www.improvingbirth.org/

http://www.birthwithoutfear.com/

http://wellroundedmama.blogspot.com/

My Past.. is History.

A story from my past because I can't sleep and just spent the last 2 hours doing dishes and laundry so this is my break...

When I was about 9 my brother 2 at the time woke up at 6 am got a broom and unlocked all 5 locks on the front door. He then walked about a block and a half away while my WHOLE house slept!

An Older Gentleman found him wandering around playing in mud puddles... He walked down our road *AFTER* he called the police, and found our front door wide open... He walked up to the door and knocked REALLY loud. I woke up first and answered it. He asked if I had a little brother? I said Yes I have two. He then asked me to check and see if they were in their room... I did and realized my Youngest was missing!

I asked him if he knew where he was the man said yes he did, at his house! I asked him to allow me to get some shoes on and I would follow him home. He agreed. Well my 9 year old brain didn't tell me to wake my mom, I hopped on my bike and rode down the street with a complete stranger and gathered my 2 year old brother up and went back home... about 15 minutes later after I woke my mom up and told her what had happened... KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK POLICE!

My brothers and I then spent 2 years in foster care because my mom was too lazy to clean.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

After Birth - The Lemon Clot Essay (by Sharon1964)

The Lemon Clot Essay (by Sharon1964)

You will be leaking out of places you don't want to leak out of. Do you really want to stand up from the couch and have your father's parents see that not only have you bled through your pad, but the blood is now running down your leg. Do you really want to say, "honey, can you come with me to the bathroom, I am bleeding all over and I feel a huge blood clot coming out"... in front of them? Contrast that to "mom, I need your help please, now, I'm bleeding all over!" Does your husband really understand the volume of stuff that will be coming out of you, the possibility of lemon-sized clots of blood? Not 2-dimensional lemon-sized, but huge, round, 3-dimensional lemon-sized?

How many bathrooms do you have? If only one, do you REALLY want to have to make it "guest-level clean" every time you leave it? Do you really want this gang of people ogling your diaper-sized pads, peribottle, tucks pads, and all the other supplies that will be in the bathroom? Even if you have two bathrooms, that means you can't use the main bathroom, because you still have to leave it "guest-level clean" every time you use it.

Do they really plan to do something other than hold the baby, pass the baby around, and sit around expecting you guys to wait on them? Are they going to sit and stare at you? Thirty minutes after they arrive, and baby wants to breastfeed, are they going to quickly and willingly LEAVE your home so that you can breastfeed in the privacy and comfort of your space? Or are they going to hang around outside, waiting for you to be done, and knocking every so often wanting to know if they can come back in? Yeah, that's great for breastfeeding.

Or better yet, are they going to blow you off, saying "it's no big deal", and expect you to breastfeed in front of them? Even experienced moms need several weeks of practice to get good at it, so to speak, so that they can breastfeed wherever they want. Learning to breastfeed is not a time for people to ogle and stare at you.

When your breasts are engorged and painful and you want NOTHING to touch them, what then? Does your DH think it will be okay for his dad to stare at your huge naked breasts as you walk around topless?

What if your birth is smack in the middle of their trip? So what are they going to do the first few days, before baby? Are they going to sit and stare at you, waiting for the big moment? Then what? Are they going to camp out in your hospital room every day, all day? Yeah, that's great for resting. What happens when you leave the hospital and they beat you to your own home, and all you want to do is lay down in your own bed? Are they going to leave graciously, or are they going to sit in your living room, eating your food, messing up your house, and making noise, so you can't nap?

Does your DH normally allow people to invite themselves over to visit you guys without even ASKING? You guys are setting yourselves up for a lifetime of this. Then you will be blamed when you try to tell them that it is not a good time for you.

Does your DH understand ANY of these things?? Does he not understand that it is NOT about entertaining guests, but about recovery from a major medical procedure (either vaginal or c-section)? Does he not understand that you just grew another human being in your body, and will have just gone through the process of getting it out?? This is going to be an exhausting, messy, wildly hormonal time. Does he not get that??

******************************************

Who Can Even be on the List to be Considered to Stay at Your Home After Childbirth by Sharon1964

You know, nobody gets to stay in your home after birth unless they are helpful. So is his mother going to.... wash your bloody underwear in the sink? Clean and disinfect your toilet and perhaps the bathroom floor after you spend time in there? Clean up lemon size blood clots that come out of your vagina if you need help? Get hot washcloths and lay them on your naked engorged breasts? Hold a cold wet washcloth on the back of your neck when you break out in a sweat all over?

Is she going to cook for you and clean for you and do the laundry, and make sure you are stocked with diapers and wipes and clean blankets? Is she going to allow you to breastfeed in private in your own living room by either going to her room or going outside? Is she going to allow you to pick up your own crying baby? Is she going to ASK you if you would like her to get the baby for you since you may be sore? Is she going to disappear when you want alone time with your new baby and your husband? Is she going to refrain from giving you advice but instead ask you what you need?

And what's his dad going to do? Is he going to cut the grass and take out the garbage and make runs to the store for juice and milk? Is he going to wash the car or walk the dog or change the cat litter box?

No? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Gift Rules

OK Parents! I have a few questions for you :-)  Have you heard of a Gift Rule? Do you have any gift giving rules?

 I learned about a gift rule today that I thought was pretty nifty/thrifty.  It is called the 4 gift rule. You can purchase 4 gifts, that is it (I am betting it would work for kids and adults). Here is how it works.  You can purchase 1 gift they want, 1 gift they need, 1 gift they can wear, and 1 gift they can read! This is by far the coolest thought I have read in a while.

Imagine how many kids might be inspired to read because of this? I bet this could work for holidays and birthdays and just because days too.

 And what about buying gifts for your local church, or needy family? This 4 gift rule could be awesome down the road if you shop year round for things like this...

How cool would it be to teach your children, friends and family to buy gifts every year to give away to Toys for Tots or another organization. I know there are a ton out there. Including the Angel Tree Project.

What if we as parents made the decision to help someone out because they needed the help? What if we as parents made the decision to teach our children to be charitable, unspoiled citizens? 

Self motivation maybe.

I'm not really sure what is goin on with me, I just want to cry. I feel hopless and lost. I am binge watching T.V. and neglecting my hom...