Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Youngest Dear Son Born April 7 2015

It has been a year and four months and my YDS is growing so fast, his Birth was by far the most amazing experience ever.

I got to the hospital and they set me up for my fluids because go figure I was dehydrated again. I get my fluids and its time for the epi. It took us an hour to get the epidural in the proper place but, once we did I was golden!

My sweet child was born and I didn't have any trauma like experiences with his birth like I did with my older two.  It was a one two push and here he was. I got to hold him right away and put him straight on the boob where he ate for a good 5 minutes before falling asleep in my arms.

My support system this time around was amazing, I had my mom and my husband there for me. I will admit that I was having mini panic attacks as the push time came closer because of my previous births. YDS' birth was by far easier as I didn't have people touching me unless I asked or it was a doctor (I hate being touched). After birth I got to just chill and hold my little monkey boy while he slept on me.

We finally moved into the recovery room after I could walk to go pee. Once in the recovery room my mom went and retrieved my two other kids and they got to meet YDS.

We stayed in the hospital for 3 days and before we left the hospital gave my DH and I a celebratory lunch. it was so sweet and special, they set every thing up in my RR and then did all the clean up!

I am so happy with the birth experience that I would do it again if DH would let me.  

Life Update

It has been a long while since I last updated. We left of with January and a letter to my in-laws, which was followed by DH and I finally getting married in February.  I shared this post on FB but it is very relative.

 I got married Monday the 22nd. My amazing husband wants to complete our family by adopting DD and giving her our last name. So as much as I hate to bring it up or even bother him, I need sperm donor's address, so that I can serve him with an adoption petition for my daughter. Any and all help will be appreciated. I am hoping to get the adoption process done before she starts school in August. This is all I want from him after this no contact ever again. 

Have not heard from his parents. We figured better to hear it from us... not to mention kinda felt like spitting on the grave of the dead. I got married yesterday (2/23/16) in Jeans and a tank top. Paid my mom's bills with her money. Went to the nail salon AFTER my clerks office wedding. Talked DH into getting a pedicure. I didn't want to cook or go home so I talked DH into cracker barrel with his grand parents our kids and my aunt and nephew. 
Paid 200$ to get married and 80$ for dinner for 9 people. 

We don't talk to his parents because they were being sucky, I intentionally sent his mom a pic of our wedding certificate. He sent one to his dad. ( drama starting I know but fuck them) Looks like it's the news paper route for getting my daughter adopted. Annoying but what ever.

Since our wedding we have contacted my DD's sperm donor and gotten the ball rolling on him giving up his rights to her so that my now DH can adopt her! Yay and we are hoping to have this all done before school starts in Aug.

Now I know that no one is really interested in reading what I post here so its more like a journal entry for me.

Like right now I am watching Army Wives for the second time starting from S:1 E:1.  I am feeling really good right now. My dishwasher is full I have towels in the wash and I don't feel sleepy.

It has been really hard on me lately dealing with depression. I don't believe is is just one type of depression. I find it hard to get out of bed usually and tonight I just feel ready to go. In a little while I will get off this computer and go finish up the little bit of cleaning I can do right now.

Monday, July 4, 2016

A look back on being bullied.

I am 27 years old. It has been many years since I was in school of any kind. Do you know what I remember most?

Being bullied, and called names.

In elementary school it was because of my clothes were different my hair short and, being too poor for the field trips. I don't think I will ever forget not going to Washington D.C. I  don't think I will ever forget the "jokes" of looked what you missed.

In middle school it was because I was different before my time. I loved to experiment with different hair styles and clothing styles. I loved to braid my hair in strings all over, once I even pinned the ends to my head and created a "Mohawk". This turned out to be one of the most significant times I can remember is a girl I hardly knew decided my hairstyle was not good enough for her. She decided to pick and pick and get others to pick at me until the little self esteem I had for the day was gone. I took my hair down to end the ridicule and she laughed at me triumphant in her goal to tear me down.

Even now at 27 years old my go to hairstyle is now a ponytail. I do not have the confidence to be daring in my hair or clothing styles. I stick to plain-jane jeans and a t-shirt because its easier to be invisible if blend in.

Guys pulling the "I like you but can't be seen with you" things.

I once thought I could be different, I could be who I wanted to be. Nope I am every thing They said I would be. I am 'big as a house", I am "fat". I'm a nobody. I am insecure in my relationships.

I am truly happily married and still second guess every single choice I make because I don't want to lose my soul mate.

I am often terrified to say what is on my mind because I have been bullied into submission to be a people pleaser.

Don't make waves, don't be different, don't have an opinion. Shut up and walk away.

It is so hard to let go of these things. It is so hard to change your thought process of what used to be the norm. Change how I see myself every day.

To the bullies of my past,

I forgive you I truly do. Just know that what you did then had reactions. How you treat people effects them even if they ignore you, even if they pretend they are OK.


Feeling Defeated

In the last 4 days I have been emotionally beaten to a bloody pulp. Day one my DCS case worker called and informed me that she was taking ...