Monday, July 4, 2016

A look back on being bullied.

I am 27 years old. It has been many years since I was in school of any kind. Do you know what I remember most?

Being bullied, and called names.

In elementary school it was because of my clothes were different my hair short and, being too poor for the field trips. I don't think I will ever forget not going to Washington D.C. I  don't think I will ever forget the "jokes" of looked what you missed.

In middle school it was because I was different before my time. I loved to experiment with different hair styles and clothing styles. I loved to braid my hair in strings all over, once I even pinned the ends to my head and created a "Mohawk". This turned out to be one of the most significant times I can remember is a girl I hardly knew decided my hairstyle was not good enough for her. She decided to pick and pick and get others to pick at me until the little self esteem I had for the day was gone. I took my hair down to end the ridicule and she laughed at me triumphant in her goal to tear me down.

Even now at 27 years old my go to hairstyle is now a ponytail. I do not have the confidence to be daring in my hair or clothing styles. I stick to plain-jane jeans and a t-shirt because its easier to be invisible if blend in.

Guys pulling the "I like you but can't be seen with you" things.

I once thought I could be different, I could be who I wanted to be. Nope I am every thing They said I would be. I am 'big as a house", I am "fat". I'm a nobody. I am insecure in my relationships.

I am truly happily married and still second guess every single choice I make because I don't want to lose my soul mate.

I am often terrified to say what is on my mind because I have been bullied into submission to be a people pleaser.

Don't make waves, don't be different, don't have an opinion. Shut up and walk away.

It is so hard to let go of these things. It is so hard to change your thought process of what used to be the norm. Change how I see myself every day.

To the bullies of my past,

I forgive you I truly do. Just know that what you did then had reactions. How you treat people effects them even if they ignore you, even if they pretend they are OK.


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