Friday, November 10, 2017
I need to feel more like this.
I need to learn to fight harder for myself, my kids and my husband!
This is what I need most rght now. I really need someone to help motivate me to be a better person, a better house keeper.
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
Lately I have been feeling really attacked by my case worker. Do this right now your not doing enough... are you sure you want your kids back?
I love my children and Want them to come home. The Foster family that has them is amazing. They call and update me at all times over every thing. I know my children are safe where they are but Damn they are my children and I want them home. I miss them terribly and just want to cuddles them and watch tv with them.
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
I am still not sure what I am looking for in therapy. I was goofing around on FB and came across an article about emotional abuse.. IE: 10 signs you have suffered Emotional abuse.
1. You hold in anger.
I am not really sure I hold in anger I just don't get angry. Things happen and I get a little upset, I talk about what I am feeling with my husband and move on.
2. You don't hold your ground and defend yourself.
This one really speaks out to me, I feel like I don't have the right to stand up for myself. I have always been timid and afraid to really stand up for my self against any one with authority. I believe I have lost two jobs because of this.
3. You try to please everyone.
I really do try to please and help every one even when it hurts me. I helped out my parents and my aunt with money to the point where I would run out of money before the end of the month or next paycheck.
4. You experience anxiety and or depression.
I didn't really have a stable home life so its really important to have a stable home and food in the house. I have anxiety or get stressed out when I miss paying a bill or when the food in the house gets low. I don't make friends easily and have had my trust really shredded by the ones that were supposed to be there forever. It truly upsets me when I think about all the things I have missed out on in my life.
5. You tend to be overly shy.
I am shy. It is really no lie, I was bullied so much as a kid that it's really hard for me to open up and make friends. I have a I guess it would be called a persona when I am out and about. I am also a very private person.
6. You Self Blame.
I do self blame a lot. I blame myself for the fact I was bullied as a kid, I blame my self for my situation with DCS. It is my fault I am fat.
7. You are your own bully.
I am my own bully. I am not good enough for my husband, I am not good enough for my kids. I am a lazy, fat, sloppy parent.
8. I need validation from people.
I need to be needed. I believe it is why I help people to my own detriment.
I am not sure what to do about all of this. I am not sure how I feel about it or what to share with my therapist. Where does it go from here.
Saturday, October 21, 2017
So we found out I am pregnant! How exciting!
September 12, 2017
My first Doctor's appointment! Slow and steady wins the race. A quick yearly check up for mommy and meeting an awesome Doctor. Megan Webb
September 20, 2017
Appointment number 2! Oh what fun! Mommy got to see you today baby. You are such a tiny little blob with a heart beat! 178 beats per minute! So tiny and so fast. Mommy's heart is so happy with love for you! Our Ultrasound Tec. was the awesome Mrs. Jodi. Mommy's Doctor took blood for all kinds of tests this doctor's appointment.
Monday, September 25, 2017
I am a home body and I don't really like people in my home. My home is supposed to be my safe place and it no longer feels like my safe place. I have increased anxiety and depression because of all of this added drama and stress. DCS wants me to see a therapist weekly!
It also seems like DCS is trying to find something wrong with me or my parenting. Weekly therapy, in home therapy, a hoarder therapist, a full psychological evaluation and possibly medication! What the hell?
I am pregnant and I want to share this with my kids and I can't because my DCS case worker is cray cray and she will find some way to turn this on me.
Sunday, August 6, 2017
I hate being an after thought to my husband. We had sex earlier this afternoon and he finished first... I didn't finish at all. No offer to complete the task at all... Here it is 5 to 6 hours later an he would rather be on the damn electronics...
What sucks even more is that I'm always the one to start the sex. ALWAYS! and if I don't finish oh well I either gotta beg him to finish me off or do it my self. (Doing it myself does not ease my sexual tension or needs for touch).
Talking does no help.
Monday, May 15, 2017
Saturday, April 8, 2017
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
Friday, February 10, 2017
Just the month of Feb. has all ready been hell.
- week 1 DD birthday and a doc apt for Mom
- week 2 court for animal control and a doc apt for Dad
- week 3 court for codes
- weeks 1-4 waiting on taxes so I can move.
I wish I had a friend to talk to... I miss having a best friend I can tell every thing to. I miss having someone to visit with and share my life with.
Things I have had to say to my kids in the last month....
- Don't touch your brother's penis
- Don't put pop tart in your butt
- Don't put your penis in that it might get stuck!
- Stop pulling all the diapers out of the box
- We are not having pop tarts for lunch
- Has no hot water
- need windows replaced
- has structural rot so the windows cant be fixed
- no heat
- had to get rid of my dog
I miss having a job and the extra income to help my family with the bills and play money. I feel lost. Is there an elephant I can't see sitting on my chest? Is this why I can't breath? Can any one tell me why I have an anxiety attack every time my door bell rings or someone knocks?
I don't know what to do. God must know I am stronger than I feel because I am drowning... I haven't had a shower in over a week, my house is wrecked, we have JUST ENOUGH food to last us until the next pay day.
Saturday, January 7, 2017
How do you tell the one person you choose to love most in the world that they are slowly killing what is left of your self esteem?
That when you open up your heart and deepest insecurities it seems like they are not important. What I feel and need from him isn't important. Why can't you be bothered to remember the little things about me? Why is it that when you go to the store you can pick up a little something you think I might like or know that I like?
I don't ever ask for much I just want to feel like I am important to you. I want to feel like my likes and dislikes are something you just have to know.
It truly sucks when you tell your husband that you want to be called beautiful, or pretty or just want him to make you feel wanted and beautiful..... and after months of silence from him he finally called someone beautiful.... Too bad it wasn't you...
I'm not really sure what is goin on with me, I just want to cry. I feel hopless and lost. I am binge watching T.V. and neglecting my hom...
I feel this is kind of like a wake up call for some and Certainly for myself... Especially since I wrote out a few things that had happe...
It has been a long while since I last updated. We left of with January and a letter to my in-laws, which was followed by DH and I finally ge...
When I was younger around 9 I was placed in the FL DCS foster care system because my mother was lazy and didn't care enough to keep our...