Friday, November 10, 2017

Self motivation maybe.

I'm not really sure what is goin on with me, I just want to cry. I feel hopless and lost. I am binge watching T.V. and neglecting my home. I have someone from Homemaker services coming to my home at 8:30 in the morning and I am ashamed to let him inside and see how horrible it looks. I am going to load my dishwasher in a few minutes and hope its done in time for me to run it again. I feel like I am failing at fighting for my kids to come home.

I need to feel more like this.

I need to learn to fight harder for myself, my kids and my husband!

Image result for inspirational cleaning quotes

This is what I need most rght now. I really need someone to help motivate me to be a better person, a better house keeper.


Wednesday, October 25, 2017

DCS update.

I am not sure what happened to my previous update but apparently it disappeared.

Lately I have been feeling really attacked by my case worker. Do this right now your not doing enough... are you sure you want your kids back?

 I love my children and Want them to come home. The Foster family that has them is amazing. They call and update me at all times over every thing. I know my children are safe where they are but Damn they are my children and I want them home. I miss them terribly and just want to cuddles them and watch tv with them.


Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Therapy

So I have started therapy to appease the DCS workers. I am truly hoping that it helps me with something. Even if it is someone to talk to. I am tired of feeling alone.

I am still not sure what I am looking for in therapy. I was goofing around on FB and came across an article about emotional abuse.. IE: 10 signs you have suffered Emotional abuse.

1. You hold in anger.
   I am not really sure I hold in anger I just don't get angry. Things happen and I get a little upset, I talk about what I am feeling with my husband and move on.

2. You don't hold your ground and defend yourself.
   This one really speaks out to me, I feel like I don't have the right to stand up for myself. I have always been timid and afraid to really stand up for my self against any one with authority. I believe I have lost two jobs because of this.

3. You try to please everyone.
    I really do try to please and help every one even when it hurts me. I helped out my parents and my aunt with money to the point where I would run out of money before the end of the month or next paycheck.

4. You experience anxiety and or depression.
   I didn't really have a stable home life so its really important to have a stable home and food in the house. I have anxiety or get stressed out when I miss paying a bill or when the food in the house gets low. I don't make friends easily and have had my trust really shredded by the ones that were supposed to be there forever. It truly upsets me when I think about all the things I have missed out on in my life.

5. You tend to be overly shy.
   I am shy. It is really no lie, I was bullied so much as a kid that it's really hard for me to open up and make friends. I have a I guess it would be called a persona when I am out and about. I am also a very private person.

6. You Self Blame.
   I do self blame a lot. I blame myself for the fact I was bullied as a kid, I blame my self for my situation with DCS. It is my fault I am fat.

7. You are your own bully.
   I am my own bully. I am not good enough for my husband, I am not good enough for my kids. I am a lazy, fat, sloppy parent.

8. I need validation from people.
  I need to be needed. I believe it is why I help people to my own detriment.

I am not sure what to do about all of this. I am not sure how I feel about it or what to share with my therapist. Where does it go from here.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

A Baby! Number 4! Continued Updates to follow.

September 17, 2017

So we found out I am pregnant! How exciting!

September 12, 2017

My first Doctor's appointment! Slow and steady wins the race. A quick yearly check up for mommy and meeting an awesome Doctor. Megan Webb

September 20, 2017

Appointment number 2! Oh what fun! Mommy got to see you today baby. You are such a tiny little blob with a heart beat! 178 beats per minute! So tiny and so fast. Mommy's heart is so happy with love for you! Our Ultrasound Tec. was the awesome Mrs. Jodi. Mommy's Doctor took blood for all kinds of tests this doctor's appointment.

Monday, September 25, 2017

Lost and confused.

I feel so lost and confused with all that is going on in my life. My children are in DCS care and my DCS case worker is making me feel like a horrible parent. She keeps changing her "story". She tells my husband and I that we need to be at every DR. appointment and then when I tell the Foster Family what she said she changes her damn story and makes out like that is not what she inferred.

I am a home body and I don't really like people in my home. My home is supposed to be my safe place and it no longer feels like my safe place. I have increased anxiety and depression because of all of this added drama and stress. DCS wants me to see a therapist weekly!

It also seems like DCS is trying to find something wrong with me or my parenting. Weekly therapy, in home therapy, a hoarder therapist, a full psychological evaluation and possibly medication! What the hell?

I am pregnant and I want to share this with my kids and I can't because my DCS case worker is cray cray and she will find some way to turn this on me.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

After thought

I hate being an after thought to my husband. We had sex earlier this afternoon and he finished first... I didn't finish at all. No offer to complete the task at all... Here it is 5 to 6 hours later an he would rather be on the damn electronics...

What sucks even more is that I'm always the one to start the sex. ALWAYS! and if I don't finish oh well I either gotta beg him to finish me off or do it my self. (Doing it myself does not ease my sexual tension or needs for touch).

Talking does no help.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Dealing with DCS

When I was younger around 9 I was placed in the FL DCS foster care system because my mother was lazy and didn't care enough to keep our house clean.
I am 28 years old now and it is not something you can easily forget. I have made it my life mission that my children never have to deal with that situation.
In the last 2 years DCS has been to my home 3 times. (Including this time).
The first time DCS came out to our house my MIL called them and told them I had a vicious animal loose in our home. DCS came out looked around asked us to De-clutter the area where the children are. Sure not a problem fixed the "issue" and they left and closed our case. The second time DCS came out to the house someone told them our children were left unattended. Which was a serious joke because DH and I were both SAHP. We explained the "situation" to the DCS worker, I welcomed her in to my home to look around and once she had a good look around she thanked us for our time and informed me the case would be closed. It was.
About one week before we moved into our new house a stray dog playfully attacked my foot. The poor animal looked hungry and I asked DH to place the dog in a cage and give it some food and water. Poor Pup ate it all up, while I was gone DH called animal control and they came out to the house to take the dog away. Shortly after AC left our local Police Department Codes Officer (PDCO) came out to the house and asked why it was a mess. I happily informed her we were moving to a new and bigger place and the mess was from us paring down on UN-needed and UN-used things. I apologized for the mess and PDCO informed me that she was still not pleased with my answer and would keep an eye out for our name and if it came up again she would be visiting.
It was less than a full 2 weeks in our new place and someone had called AC on us in rearguards to our dog being chained up and not having access to his water. AC came out and I explained he was chained because we were still moving things in to the house and did not want him to get loose or hurt. AC stated it was not a problem and moved on. No less than 2 days later someone else called AC because DOG was barking. Are you fucking kidding me? I was aggravated but thought nothing of it... Until...
PDCO lady came out to "check up" on us and the state of our home. I was not home when she came by ( I was at work) and my sweet DH let her in thinking that she would understand that we were still unpacking as I had just started a full time job and understandably the house was in disarray. BUT no she was highly upset the house was not in order and our floors were not swept up. She left and called DCS.
DH called me understandably upset that this lady made him out to be a shit father and unfit to attend our children. I left work early to come home and help him cope with the situation.
I guess I should inform you that DH is severely depressed and high stress situations aggravate his anxiety and can cause him to become suicidal. Thankfully he understands his triggers and knows how to handle them thanks to his wonderful therapist. He also knows if he feels he can't handle any situation to give me a call before he reaches his breaking point. DH is medicated and seeing a therapist well versed and trained in his needs.
Not thinking too much about the situation because like I said we were still getting things unpacked. I left for work. Some time between when I got to work and my lunch DCS came out and threatened to take my children because one of the windows in the kids room was busted. (by busted I mean it is a 6 pane window where 2 of the panes had fallen out) Possibly because my kids pushed them out. This sent DH's anxiety through the roof and he knew that he could not handle the situation. DH attempted to contact me but was unable to do so. So DH called his mom and she came over to help calm him down.
When I went to lunch I had messages from my mother, my aunt, and my DH saying that DCS had taken the children... I of course tried to contact my husband and could not reach him. In fact no one who had messaged me could reach my husband. Fearing the worst I rushed home to find my MIL chilling with the kids and hubs. The house phone and his cell phone had died.
We fixed the window and I called out of work for the next day to make sure I could be home with my husband when DCS came to do the second walk though. DCS showed up did their walk through, commented on my laundry room being cluttered and my kitchen being a bit of a mess from breakfast. I informed them that they would be washed up later after lunch. About the time they were getting ready to leave DD was slapping a window to get DOG's attention and I'll be damned if it didn't break. DCS laughed and called it a freak accident and to please send a pic when it was boarded up. It was assumed that the case would be closed...
I got a call from PDCO that she personally was speaking to the DCS case worker. She stated that she wanted to come by for another visit. I said sure not a problem but it will have to be after Tuesday because I have a doc. apt. I didn't think much of it and just figured they were coordinating a final visit.
Tuesday which was 10/11/16 for those not up with the time line. I get in the car and call DH prepared to tell him about the doc apt for YDS; when he informs me that DCS and PDCO are at my door. I informed DH that they could wait OUTSIDE until I got there.
I was pissed they they choose to show up unannounced on a day I already stated I would not be there. When I got home I invited them in for the walk through. It was at this point that they decided to comment on the following subjects.
Daycare/ Mother's day out programs that DH would have to walk our 3 small children to as our second car is loaned out. DH and I have talked extensively about these options but they just didn't work with our schedules. WE as a Married couple and a family team decided these things are not for us.
They wanted to go over our financials in detail. Which I refused to do as our financials have nothing to do with clean house and food in cabinets (which are full). I also clearly stated these facts in a calm and not bitch manner even thought I wanted nothing more than to throw them out of my home.
The final straw for me was when DCS proceeded to tell me she would be back next week to make sure that our laundry was put away for the kids. What the fuck the laundry got to do with supposedly "neglected" kids?
Oh and the greatest kicker of all I lost my job because of missing work to be home with my family in the emergency situation. Thanks DCS and thanks PDCO.

End of Feb. my DH and I ordered pizza and the delivery driver called the cops on us because my kids were naked. The cops showed up and I refused to allow them into the house because I know I did not have to let them in. The next afternoon DCS and police showed up. It is all sort of blurry what happened after. I barely remember lots of cops and DCS workers in my home; I remember my daughter showing them around. Me sitting on the couch with 2 female officers and 2 female DCS workers telling me I was a shit parent in front of my children while I sat there ashamed and crying. They took my children to my MIL's house where they were supposed to stay until we could get them back.
The next day my husband and I were arrested. We were charged with Felony Child Abuse /Neglect and a bond of 15,000 each. I spent over 15 hours in holding attempting to get out on bond before being put into general population. My DH and I spent six horrible days in jail waiting to make bond and get out so that we could start working on our defense and getting our children back. (quick note our bond was dropped to 5,000 each before we had the money to make bond).
My MIL lasted exactly two... TWO FUCKING days before calling DCS and having my children placed in Foster care because she could not handle my children. They were two rambunctious for her. My children are now in the care of a wonderful couple and I get to see them twice a month for 2 hour visits, and I get to have phone calls with them twice a week.
While in foster care the foster family celebrated my youngest child's birthday AFTER making plans with us to celebrate the next weekend. They took my kids to chucky cheese for the first time. I found out when the foster father sent me pictures of my children having cake without us.



Saturday, April 8, 2017

Hurt and feeling Lost

I am going through a lot right now. My kids are in DCS care. My husband is journaling about wanting a Divorce. I feel depressed all the time. I dont have many friends that I can talk freely with any more.

I love my husband more than any thing in this world besides my kids. I don't want to lose him and I don't know what more I can do to keep us together if he wont talk to me. 

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Broken

My chest is heavy and my heart is broken
it hurts to breath and crying wont help

My children are my life and I miss them dearly
Knowing it's not forever doesnt help the gaping hole 
where my heart should be

Why can't you hold and comfot me 
I don't need words just your nearness and a shoulder to cry on
hold me close and tell me you love me
Hold me tight and let me know you miss them too. 

I am broken inside
I am lost inside
I dont have enough tears for the aching in my soul

I miss the early wake up 
and the Mommy I'm hungry
Can I have a drink and a kiss too? 

First hair cut 
first day of school, daycare
What else will I miss
Watching the little pieces of my heart grow up

I am going to miss you coming home
I wont be the one you excitedly tell about your day
I ache for the little moments I am missing


I love you my children and I pray for the day you return to me. 


Love, 
Mommy

Friday, February 10, 2017

I am overwhelmed.

As a mother of three and a wife, I am over whelmed. I am exhausted. I am stressed out so much I just want to cry. I know I am a wife to my husband, I am a mother to my children.... Who or what am I to myself? 

Just the month of Feb. has all ready been hell. 

  • week 1 DD birthday  and a doc apt for Mom
  • week 2 court for animal control and a doc apt for Dad
  • week 3 court for codes
  • weeks 1-4 waiting on taxes so I can move.
I am the only one who plans how our family money is spent. I am the only one who makes sure the bills are handled. I am stressed that I wont be able to find a place for my family before march is over. 

I wish I had a friend to talk to... I miss having a best friend I can tell every thing to. I miss having someone to visit with and share my life with. 

Things I have had to say to my kids in the last month....

  • Don't touch your brother's penis
  • Don't put pop tart in your butt
  • Don't put your penis in that it might get stuck!
  • Stop pulling all the diapers out of the box
  • We are not having pop tarts for lunch


My house....

  • Has no hot water
  • need windows replaced
  • has structural rot so the windows cant be fixed
  • no heat
  • had to get rid of my dog


I miss having a job and the extra income to help my family with the bills and play money. I feel lost. Is there an elephant I can't see sitting on my chest? Is this why I can't breath? Can any one tell me why I have an anxiety attack every time my door bell rings or someone knocks?

I don't know what to do. God must know I am stronger than I feel because I am drowning... I haven't had a shower in over a week, my house is wrecked, we have JUST ENOUGH food to last us until the next pay day. 

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Beautiful....or Not.....

I have always struggles with my self esteem. I was always told I would be big as a house, I'm not pretty enough for so and so. 8 days out of 10 I love my life and who I am.

How do you tell the one person you choose to love most in the world that they are slowly killing what is left of your self esteem?

That when you open up your heart and deepest insecurities it seems like they are not important. What I feel and need from him isn't important. Why can't you be bothered to remember the little things about me? Why is it that when you go to the store you can pick up a little something you think I might like or know that I like?


I don't ever ask for much I just want to feel like I am important to you. I want to feel like my likes and dislikes are something you just have to know.



It truly sucks when you tell your husband that you want to be called beautiful, or pretty or just want him to make you feel wanted and beautiful..... and after months of silence from him he finally called someone beautiful.... Too bad it wasn't you...
Makes my insecurities even worse, and I hate myself for being a fat cow, and an unattractive lard ass.

Self motivation maybe.

I'm not really sure what is goin on with me, I just want to cry. I feel hopless and lost. I am binge watching T.V. and neglecting my hom...